11 hours into my 13 hour fast and the smell of bacon fills every inch of the house
I’m going for a walk …. a very long walk!
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Daughter: dada?
Me: no honey it’s not.
Daughter: is time travel possi-
Me: [winks].
Daughter: [runs away] AHHHHHHH!
Wife: how did you do that?
Me: I paid our son a dollar to ask her to ask me.
When you send a risky message to your crush and wait for the reply
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[first day as a stand-up comedian]
batman: how’d I do, alfred?
alfred: i felt like your dad.
batman: proud?
alfred: 💀💀
Emperor Nero had a distant cousin named Emperor Faro
90% of parenting is making tiny portions of snacks look big and big portions of vegetables look tiny.
The hardest part of painting a nude self-portrait is having yourself over for drinks and convincing yourself to take off your clothes.
“Holy shit I’m a cat?”
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Jesus: [walking past a pond]
[A herd of hungry ducks begins waddling behind him]
Jesus: [starts walking faster]
When picking art supplies for your children, never pick glitter. You will always regret picking glitter.
I’m awfully single for someone who lost their virginity 7 times in high school
“Good choices” – guy at the liquor store
i still can’t believe that my senior class voted me “least likely to let things go”
Exits public bathroom stall
Makes eye contact with the person next in line
Mouths: “I’m so sorry”
@funTweeters I am at your service….
My friend likes going out.Recently he went out of his mind.
My daughter is late coming down to breakfast. Her 3 strips of bacon are getting cold. I mean 2 strips. Sorry, 1 strip. She’ll have cereal.
I had a big wedding and I’ve birthed three children so there are a lot of fond memories. The two I cherish most are the day I got my iPhone and the day the new liquor store opened up on the corner.
Hand-sanitizer gives you that clean, my hands are still dirty, feeling.
I have seen lots of recipes for things to make from leftover chocolate from Easter this week. Which leads me to the question: what is leftover chocolate?
Me: I can’t come to work, I’m snowed in.
Boss: It hasn’t snowed.
M: It did where I live.
B: We live in the same town.
M: Isolated storm.
B: I live across the street from you.
M: Extremely isolated storm.
*buys almond milk*
“I’m gonna get healthy!”
*drinks almond milk*
“This is gross.”
*pours Hershey’s chocolate syrup in milk*
“Perfect.”
Teenage Mutant Ninja Wordle
⬜🟩🟩🟩⬜
🟩🟩🟩🟩🟩
🟦⬛🟦⬛🟦🟦
🟩🟩🟩🟩🟩
🟩⬛⬛⬛🟩
⬜🟩🟩🟩⬜
They say to avoid things that excite you when it’s time to sleep, but what’s more exciting than getting to sleep?
Short notice, but does anyone fancy spending a month on a private island in the Maldives? I’m looking for someone to join me ASAP as I’d prefer to leave this Sunday. Must have a private island in the Maldives, otherwise you’re wasting my time.
court: counsel why are you yelling your questions from back there?
me: i’ve got my phone plugged in back here your honor.
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Because free will is an illusion and both of us followed paths that lead us to this very moment
Cop: How much have you had to drink?
Me: The precise amount I was predestined to
She danced her way into his heart.
-She was doing the robot tho, so she looked like an idiot.
BOSS: how was your weekend?
ME: oh man i got so high
BOSS: it’s against company policy-
ME: I took a ride in a hot air balloon
BOSS: oh, haha well then-
ME: then the edibles kicked in
Everyone fondly remembers the ’80s until you take away their cell phones.
8yr old: I opened a bag of unpopped microwave popcorn to see what it was like and it smelled really weird.
Me: Oh, that’s just chemicals, don’t worry about it.