11 hours into my 13 hour fast and the smell of bacon fills every inch of the house
I’m going for a walk …. a very long walk!
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It’s not a hangover. It’s wine flu.
[in car]
Wife: Dont tell ur arm story
Me: Im gonna stick to humorous stories 2nite babe
*at party*
AND THAT’S WHEN MY HUMOROUS BROKE IN HALF
Other parents don’t want to be friends with us once they find out our child folds his own laundry and doesn’t need braces.
WIFE: why is the dog wearing a tux?
ME: u said to groom him
WIFE: i meant brush
ME: oh…sorry buddy, wedding’s off
DOG: this is bullshit
If I were Obama, I’d totally lead with “My fellow Americans, the situation looks popeless.” #SOTU
good morning to everyone except people who do that thing where they sigh louder and louder until someone finally asks what’s wrong
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
he had the eyes of a man who just dropped his ice cream
A Girl Scout made headlines when she sold cookies outside a Colorado pot shop. There’s no word on how she plans to spend her first million.
I bought a witch cauldron type-thingy today.
I dunno what compelled me to do it, but here I am, hovering over it with a dash of coriander.
The best thing about eating healthy food is all the incredible food you eat an hour later because you’re so hungry…