I have seen lots of recipes for things to make from leftover chocolate from Easter this week. Which leads me to the question: what is leftover chocolate?
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A friend with benefits would just be a bestie with a laser hair removal salon for me.
My date was all ‘next time come to my place and I’ll cook you some food in my air fryer’ and I was like ‘lol sure and I’ll play you some songs on my air guitar’ and then she was like ‘I need to see other people’.
I wish Teachers were treated like pro athletes. Million dollar contracts and tenure bonuses.
Pro model erasers and chalk. Showered with Gatorade when the whole class passes.
“More than 1 way to skin a cat” – “Killing 2 birds with 1 stone” – Running like a chicken with its head cut off”
— who ARE we???
Ever accidentally turn off your alarm instead of hitting the snooze button and wake up two days later?
Oh your baby’s name is Walter?
Is he close to retirement?
Having a bad vocabulary is very bad
Attempted to have a bath. I am 6’2″. The bathtub most certainly is not. I looked like a praying mantis trying to take a nap in an iPod dock.
For Sale : Used Facebook account ~ get up to the minute weather forecast, religious counseling and countless pictures of Jenny’s cat.
I have explained who the California Raisins are to two people today and I am starting to wonder if I made them up.
Me: I’m not watching that movie. It got 3 stars.
Also me: *watches the roomba chase down a dorito for 45 minutes*
I love how my period tracker sends me notifications about potential mood swings as if I’m not already sitting there crying into a bag of chocolate chips
“You tell Marcy that she can ask someone else to bring snacks to book club next time if it’s going to take three weeks for me to get my dish back.”
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Undercover cop at a beauty salon: I’ve been made, over
Me: Clean up your toys off the floor.
4-year-old: You have to clean, too.
Me: They’re your toys.
4: It’s your floor.
guy in the stall next to me at this bar is ordering a pizza on the phone & I now realize my commitment to pizza is severely lacking
The problem with this world is that they just let anyone in.
“Weight Watchers” because “Obesity Observers” was too cerebral.
I thought I saw a coyote in the yard tonight but I couldn’t tell because it didnt have an anvil.
Hey tampon makers, can I get a silent tampon wrapper please? Sounds like I’m opening a bag of Sun Chips up in here.
This outfit is called Running Into Someone I Know Would Be The Ultimate Worst Thing That Could Happen
[walking down the canned meat aisle at the grocery store]
my phone: spam risk
Me: *interviewing a potential coworker*: why did you leave your previous job?
Him: I was fired
Me: what for?
Him: I knocked my boss out
Me: How fast can you join?
If you see me out in public but we haven’t spoken since high school let’s keep it that way.
[A giraffe walks into a scarf shop]
*The managers eyes turn into dollar signs*
captain: is there a doctor on this plane?? this man is having a heart attack
me: i have a BA in english
guy having a heart attack: that’s brutal, hang in there
Them: if lemonade has real lemons in it, do you think gatorade has actual gators in it?
Me: *drinking poisonade* oh shit
so we have ice (water) hockey, field (earth) hockey, and air/table (air) hockey…. folks I believe it is time for fire hockey
Listening to classical music while in the bath makes me feel like a mobster.
A mobster who will die in some spectacular fashion.
Photographer: Ok, let’s get a good natural smile. Relax and just let it happen.
Me:
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