I have explained who the California Raisins are to two people today and I am starting to wonder if I made them up.
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Nephew: Your Christmas hat is ugly. But that’s okay…
Me: Why is it okay that it’s ugly?
Nephew: It matches your face!
Me: 😳😳
My 4yo has been wrapping up his toys in newspaper and giving them to me as gifts all morning.
Really wishing right now I had bought him better shit.
Someone just got sent home for having a meltdown. I’ve never been so jealous of a coworker in my life.
[on my deathbed] everyone’s in here, why are the lights on in the living room?
Every year, falling coconuts kill more people than shark attacks, but the families of the shark victims are less embarrassed.
ME: I’m single and ready to Pringle.
CASHIER: I have never seen somebody buy that many tubes.
My 4-year-old asked what drunk means.
I said “Happy”
Now I have to go to a meeting at her preschool because she told everyone she’s drunk.
As I sit in this coffee shop practicing for my Sign Language final it occurs to me, all of these people probably think that I’m talking to myself.
*group chat*
Fellas, I think it’s time. I think I’m finally ready to be a dad.
[Tamagotchi has requested to join the chat]
Facebook is a great platform to find long lost friends to borrow money from.
losing my mind at my mom’s reply to my insta story
oh good, now I can stop drinking
@funTweeters
So the six-year-old has permanently moved in to her new place, under the kitchen table.
Go ahead and kidnap me. You’ll return me when my meds wear off.
If I don’t get an A for my daughter’s school project, I’m gonna be pissed.
wife: What’s wrong?
me [annoyed because the kids menu has a picture of a tree on it but they didn’t give me any brown crayons] Nothing
therapist: overthinking
me: you mean predicting the future
“Hot, lo-cal singles in your area!”
– Diet ads for Cannibals
Copy Editor is a rewording career.
A guy in line next to me just asked me to hold his coffee and I’m like I’m not looking for anything serious right now.
My neighbour hit the post reversing out of the driveway. He hit the poor man delivering it too.
Doctor: Are you sexually active?
Me: LMAO! The question should be when am I NOT sexually active!!
Doctor: ok when are you not sexually active?
Me: All the time
My husband is really not letting me live down that one time we got into a super big argument because I thought buffalo were extinct.
me: the opposite of “some” is both “all” and “none”, which are also opposites of each other but not opposites of “some”
the pentagon: who else have you talked to about this
Me: I have the body of a pro wrestler.
Her: OMG I love The Rock.
Me: Oh, totes, but what are your feelings on sumo?
Establish dominance. Never let a dog lick you first
Used the words “manic pixie dream boy” in therapy years ago and my therapist had no idea what it referred to and to this day continuously uses a different string of words for it “dream elf pretty boy” “party boy dream something”
Blew my nose…….lost 2 pounds of mucous and got an ab workout.
If I could be in two places at once, I’d be in bed twice.