Nephew: Your Christmas hat is ugly. But that’s okay…
Me: Why is it okay that it’s ugly?
Nephew: It matches your face!
Me: 😳😳
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[fans out the deck]
Pick a card, any card..
Memorize it..
[hits you in the face with a shovel]
KING OF SPADES!
[walks off]
I’m old enough to remember when Oreos came in one flavor: “Oreo.”
Coworker: What would be your ideal-
Me: Sleeping
CW: But you didn’t let me finish my-
M: My answer is always sleeping.
For once I’d like to get kicked INTO a bar
My kid went on her first shopping trip with friends and her own money but didn’t even buy the sticker she wanted because “you wouldn’t believe how much things cost” so looks like 11 is when sticker shock first gets you.
Since I’m not a doctor, my Indian mom is rage thanking the medical professionals
I think my wife’s angry with me but it’s hard to tell coz she’s pretty blurry and one of us is slurring a lot
Funny how airport security always “randomly” chooses me for physical checking. Even when I’m not even at the airport and chilling at home.
*Last week*
Me: Man I wish COVID 19 wasn’t trending anymore*Monkey’s paw finger curls up*
Oh OK thanks for the tip, I was actually planning on letting the bed bugs bite but good call
UNITED EMPLOYEE: Beat this guy up so we can take the thing he paid for.
LITERALLY THE POLICE: Okay
Be thankful for Twitter. The way gas prices are headed, we’re never going to meet real people ever again.
Why does my kid always want to become a vegetarian after I’ve bought a shitload of meat
”Found unresponsive” is the new “discovered unconscious.” But it still means the same thing. You can’t handle your Chardonnay, Janice
Son: *placing Dunkin Donuts order* So you want a latté?
Me: Nah I just want a little.
Son: …goddammit Mom…
Imagine the excitement of the first scientist to travel between parallel dimensions. He’ll be beside himself.
My dog will literally sneeze in my face, but if I dare sneeze in the same room as him, he looks at me like I’ve offended him and 4 generations of his ancestors
I feel like people who end up on Dateline for committing murder don’t watch enough Dateline to plan their crimes accordingly.
Who called it a henhouse attendant …
and not a chicken tender ?
Me: *braids girl’s hair*
Girl: *turns around, terrified*
Me: The movie was boring me…
*leans back in seat*
*eats popcorn*
*blowing up your phone at 3am*
I get it now. Skeletor is the hot one. Not He-Man.
I have to stop watching TV with my kids. I keep comparing my dates to Bluey’s dad and nobody measures up.
Web MD should go ahead and sell caskets.
Pacifist? No, I think all oceans are beautiful
Babe are you okay? You’ve only opened one of your Amazon packages
wanna bet Tom Hanks is kinda bitter about how easily Moana got over that break in the waves.
*holding your xray up to the light and looking at it*
when did you first notice your back hurting?
“after the knife went in”
I recently started a band called 999 Megabytes. We’re good but we haven’t got a gig yet.