Son: *placing Dunkin Donuts order* So you want a latté?
Me: Nah I just want a little.
Son: …goddammit Mom…
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8: [gives dog good morning kisses]
wife: the dog gets good morning but not me? I gave you life!
8: the dog’s cute
me: everybody run
wife *opens First Aid kit*
me:
wife: Why would you fill it with Cheetos?
me [bleeding] It was funny at the time
Interviewer: According to your resume, you’re one of the greatest fiction writers the world has ever known
Me: Yes, I wrote that
I Photoshop paddington into a movie, game, TV show, or album until I forget: Day 715
*pulls a tiny monocle out of a jar of peanut butter*
OH GOD WHY
If taking off your pants doesn’t solve your problems, get different problems.
My robot vacuum and I are cut from the same cloth. When we see a line of dirt on the kitchen floor, we just spin around and go the other way.
PARENTS: when we were ur age we bought a house for $10,000
ME: oh yeah? well did u have.. THIS?!
*gestures to 114 gross Oreo flavors*
I’m that bored in the house 🥺
#lockdownextension
Grey Goose and Red Bull, because two sets of wings is better than one.
cellmate: what are you in here for
me: [snuggling] my bunk is cold
God: your name is Owl.
Owl: who?
God: you. your name is Owl.
Owl: I know I’m just messin with ya.
God: ok then state your name.
Owl: your name. lol.
God: are you serious?
Owl: no i’m Owl : )
God:
Owl:
God: [under breath] you’ve made a powerful enemy today.
Owl: who?
[first date]
Me: I’m a very reserved person
Me: [5 minutes later] if aliens abducted me no one would miss me
A moment of silence please for the bottle of wine I just dropped.
It was a tragic accident.
Gone too soon.
I’m not saying I don’t love it when my 5yo asks for a hug, I just wish she didn’t always wait until she’s mid-poop to ask.
mugger: gimme your wallet
me: me or her?
mugger: I don’t care
me: *looks at date* I mean I did pay for dinner
I spoke to my husband earlier
He seemed quite nice
well, Sam. It’s been a helluva day. A helluva day! Hit me, again.
My mind is always on fast forward while my body’s in slow motion. I’m just like that channel where the sound is out-of-sync w/ the picture.
[vacuuming]
Pick up your feet please.
Kid on sofa: No!
Ok *sucks kid into vacuum feet first*
*turns to next kid* Pick up your feet please.
“I just died in your arms” sounds much more romantic than “You’re holding a dead body.”
I think all the people named Shawn, Sean and Shaun should fight onto death and the winner gets to keep the name.
Alexa, make out with the Roomba
I found a Squirtle in my pants & I’m not even playing Pokémon Go!
Thanks Autocorrect, I did want to bang her braids out.
Natalie Imbruglia: I thought I saw a man brought to life. He was warm, he came around like he was dignified
Him:
Stop blaming lazy people!
They didn’t do anything
Alicia Keys: 🎶 I keep on fallin’ 🎵
Me: *strategically positions pillows around Alicia*
[Casually but methodically making my way through a party until I secure a spot next to the snacks]
Quietly, as if into earpiece: “I’m in.”
Because everyone in Italy is quarantined, the natural wildlife has returned to the water and forests ❤️ We are the virus