Me: I made this belt out of herbs
Her: why?
Me: oh, just waisting some thyme
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How much wood would a woodchuck chuck if a woodchuck knew his existence was futile & all his loved ones were going to die one day?
[murderer hunting me in the forest]
me: *quietly opens velcro wallet*
Every time I eat a banana in public, a stranger offers me money to do it in private.
I ate 32 bananas today & made $725.
I have diarrhea.
ME: do you like it better when I part it down the middle or when I tease it out with styling mousse
HER: how about we just shave your back instead
Though I initially enjoyed Idiocracy, Handmaid’s Tale and Animal Farm, I didn’t expect to be living all three at once 😒
Our 10 year old keeps asking me for his first mobile phone and every time he does I ask him ‘who you gonna call?’ and until he answers me correctly he sure as shit isn’t getting one
Rare footage of my parents on their way to school.
Every viral tweet now has like 9 followups from the author like:
My husband got me flowers!
I wanted to clarify my husband and I do equal housework
I did not know tulip farms were so bad for the environment, sorry
I apologize that this was insensitive to people with allergies
If they really loved you, they’d absorb you through osmosis.
I seriously have no problem with Bill Gates putting chips in the vaccine. I do take issue with him not including dip.
Caught my son chewing on electrical wires.
So, I grounded him.
He’s doing better currently and conducting himself properly.
If I say “Good point. Thank you.” to your inane, mind-numbing reply, I’ve already hired a hitman who can’t be traced back to myself.
Travelers diarrhea is my favorite illness. You cheat at basketball you get what’s coming to you.
Of course I believe in miracles…even though I’m a virgin, somehow my wife has given birth to three beautiful children.
Swung by drugstore to pick up cheapo last minute anniversary gift for my girlfriend, completely forgetting about her new job as drugstore cashier.
No matter how busy my Sunday gets, I always manage to set aside time to panic about Monday.
The difference between HOA & HORTA is one’s a lava monster that will melt your face & the other’s from Star Trek.
has anyone told parents they can show affection without posting the ugliest picture of you in existence
Me: I hate people.
H: I challenge you to say something positive.
Me: I’m positive I hate people.
btw the stereotype of americans i have run into the most so far in europe is that americans work themselves to death for nothing
[run into an old classmate]
Them: You’ve gained a little weight.
Me: You’ve stayed ugly.
Schools be like: make sure to buy your kid a glue stick that we will never use
A mummy comes back to life, and is disappointed to be desiccated and decayed.
“This was a better idea on papyrus”
How to unravel a sweater…
A thread 🧵
8yo me: i wanta be a paleontologist when i grow up
28yo me: (sifting through cat litter) oh look, a quarter!
*hands a turd to the teacher
Teacher: What’s this?!
Me: My dog ate my homework.
I can’t listen to music with my headphones at the office. Apparently everyone doesn’t enjoy the way I sing out loud
I tried to wear skinny jeans but it squeezed all my flesh into the top half of my body and made me look like a novelty balloon.
My hometown ranked 4th for the worst cities for hot dog lovers. I don’t know how I’m supposed to feel about that.
You know you’re getting old when your decision to sleep with someone is mostly based on the quality of their mattress and pillows.