Schools be like: make sure to buy your kid a glue stick that we will never use
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The right response to “I’m a bit tied up at the moment” isn’t “what are you wearing?”
Apparently.
Me: *grimaces, accepts call*
Mother: You never visit, I could have fallen, I can’t find that stupid cane, and my hemorrhoids are KILLING me!
Me: Meow
I wish I’d gotten my affairs in order before I bit into this hot pepper.
we live in a society where it’s perfectly acceptable to touch 50 pieces of fruit at the supermarket before buying one. every apple you eat has been fondled by half the neighborhood
me: are u 2 girls from England
them: Wales u idiot
me: sorry are u 2 whales from England
Person: so, how are we today?
Me: well, I dunno about you, but I’m fine, thanks
The bear scene from The Revenant, except it’s just me opening a jar of pickles
The exchange I heard between my 4 year old and my husband when an ad popped up on her tablet. 4 yo: Can I have this? Husband: No, you can’t have an online Bachelor’s Degree in Nursing
at the salon thinking of going darker for winter
maybe i’ll kill the shampoo girl
[attending a lecture on kleptomania]
Me: *taking notes*
Keynote speaker: please give me back my notes
A new study says vegetarians
die younger than smokers, on average, so don’t smoke your vegetables…
Barber: ok that will be $900
Chewbacca: (chewbacca noise)
My parents are divorced. I feel fat and all the other girls my age have boyfriends.
Him: Being a teenager is tough.
Me: *sigh* I’m 40.
Hey bro, nowhere on your cologne bottle does it say “marinate in”
I’m a good person!
You can tell because I’m announcing it loudly.
‘Pumpkin’ has got to be the weirdest pet name. How do you look at the person you cherish and adore and decide to call them the second largest squash in North America?
Parenthood is basically just pretending to be angry when you aren’t and pretending not to be angry when you are.
Me: Can I have a Batmobile?
Santa: Be realistic.
Me: Ok, pass my Masters & get a good job?
Santa: I’ll leave the Batmobile in the garage.
6yo: “Mom, Mom! I got to the number 200.”
Me: “Wow! Great job counting.”
6yo: “Thanks, I want to get to 300 stickers on the floor!”
Me: “Wait, what?”
Sometimes I’ll go to a grocery store and rotate all of the Tide detergents 90 degrees and yell “THE TIDES HAVE TURNED!” until I’m kicked out
Auto correct changed “Help” desk to “Hell” desk and man, it got that right.
Christmas means giving my brother a $50 gift card, and getting a $50 gift card from my brother.
WIFE: Did you sleep with my sister?
INSOMNIAC: No
Children change a lot of things like now if I get lost in a corn maze I just lay down and take a nap or run toward the guy with a chainsaw.
I accidentally inhaled some soap when I was washing my face and then I coughed and no bubbles came out. Cartoons are full of shit.
You can’t mix skeleton and hellhound armies because the hellhounds will just bury the skeleton soldiers for later.
psychic: “I see… I see kids in your future”
me: “but I’ve had a vasectomy”
[9 months later … me tending a goat farm]
“This’s bullshit”
*washing motorcycle with my shirt off
*cops show up
Cops: That guy told you to stay away from his motorcycle
I just realized my slack status for the last hour has said “hot dog” because I was searching for the hot dog emoji so I could note that I was at lunch but I just typed “hot dog” as my status and then it just gave me that lil 💬 guy as the emoji. Everyone’s slackin me “hot dog”
[Jurassic Park]
JOHN HAMMOND: We’ve spared no expense!
ACCOUNTANT: There are no backup generators and you’ve hired 5 employees to run an entire island
JOHN HAMMOND: I meant on the dinosaurs