[attending a lecture on kleptomania]
Me: *taking notes*
Keynote speaker: please give me back my notes
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If you can’t say something nice, say something mortifying and kinky.
I had to use my 12 year old son’s AXE bodywash this morning because we were out of soap and when I got to work my boss took one whiff and asked if I rode my skateboard.
My coworker carries around a rosary in his hand so that if he gets caught sleeping he can say he was praying
I hate when people ask me what I meant by something. Listen, I have no idea. I’m as confused here as you are.
We’re both learning what I’m about to say at the exact same time.
Doctor Informs Patient Weird Lump On Neck Nothing He Can Afford To Worry About
Boss made me put a nametag over my left bosom. I leaned over and said, “Now, what shall we name the other one?”
At what ages do your kids who are 10 years apart stop fighting with each other? Because it’s not 19 & 9 😒
Any other ladies having their period during this Friday the 13th Full Moon want to meet up and combine powers? I’ll bring a salad.
a segment like “celebrities read mean tweets” but instead it’s professors reading course evaluations written by students who failed their class
No greater betrayal than a rogue eyelash. How could you? The very eyeball that you swore to protect.
I just tripped and stumbled into a group of asian kids on the street and accidentally won a breakdancing competition.
Me: I like how you dyed all the meat green for St. Patrick’s Day.
Chipotle manager: It’s St. Patrick’s Day?
Young God: ok, a little hydrogen and-
*chemistry set explodes*Mom: what was that?!
God: nothing! *scoops resulting universe into shoebox*
Snow is magical. It turns 6 parking spaces into 4.75 parking spaces.
“Wow the Good Doctor is nuts.. can’t believe this is on network TV”
One Tree Hill in 2009:
Been on 3 dates now with this girl who works in the zoo. I think she’s a keeper
*Killer sneaks into my house to murder me but sees me practicing karate w/ my big stuffed dog I won from the carnival and changes his mind*
You can tell a lot about a person by their reaction when you yell “look out!” while flicking a dinner plate at their head like a frisbee.
Signs you’re a full fledged adult:
• You choose restaurants based on the availability of parking
• You pay attention to the weather now
• You have at least one mole you’re keeping an eye on
• You have a favorite stove burner
• You don’t give af what’s “cool” anymore
Girlfriend: Are you ready to be a dad?
“I don’t know, how would I know?”
GF: I’m pregnant!
“Hi Pregnant, I’m… OH MY GOD I’M READY”
sorry I can’t come to work today, my dog finally caught a bird this morning and I’m going to need the next 2-6 weeks to emotionally recover
* breathing heavy and trying to keep up with the girl on the treadmill next to me
“So…what are you doing…after they…revive me?”
[God inventing children]
A: Aw, so cute.
G: Make ’em scream.
A: But –
G: All the time. Just scream their heads off.
You can describe my personality as being confidently wrong all the time.
[Wizard of Oz characters Now]
Scarecrow: professor
Tin Man: fell in love
Lion: public speaker
Toto: still blessing the rains down in africa
So what happens to the pizza at the end of a porn film?
R.E.M: Stand in the place where you live
CDC: Exactly
R.E.M.: Now face north, think about direction, wonder why you haven’t before
CDC: Uh, okay?
R.E.M.: Now stand in the place where you work
CDC: NO
Does anyone know how to get to Sesame Street? Elmo owes me money.
“That’s one small step for man. That’s one open fridge for man. That’s one good sandwich for-”
“Neil! Stop.”
“I WALKED ON THE MOON, JANET”
[god designing humans]
Angel: there was a mix-up at the factory. The intestines are way too long
God: *stuffing em all in there* I got this