@Shenanigans_luv

[attending a lecture on kleptomania]

Me: *taking notes*

Keynote speaker: please give me back my notes

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@3sunzzz

If you’re bringing a kid to my house, it better be a baby goat.

@AndyAsAdjective

[therapy session]

THERAPIST: ok…I totally respect your feelings & you sound genuine…but that was just the plot of Jurassic Park

ME: nuh uh

@Tmoney68

“Sorry about your dress.”
“Sorry about the nudity.”
“Sorry I kept calling your wife sir.” –

Me, the day after the office Christmas party.

@KLBChicken

Just walked up to a white van in the parking lot and it literally sped away.

*Blindfolds myself
*Rage eats candy

@maryfairybobrry

My husband made me a really romantic dinner once. When I finished cleaning the kitchen a week later, I warned him never to do anything like that to me ever again.

@NickBSawyer

*handshake*

wow, soft hands! u must’ve never worked a day in ur life

[coming off a 9 hour shift at the Vaseline factory] “u dont know me.”

@cornlog

My son is screaming his head off in his room but there’s no way I’m going in there if his monster reports are true.

@youngkrazz

Somewhere, some Nigerian lawyer is wondering why you’re not sending him the personal information that he needs to give you your inheritance

@scot7a

KING: Behind one door waits a viscous tiger; behind the other, a fair lady. Now the prisoner must choose!

ME: Hey, if I open them both, will the tiger just eat the lady?

KING: That’s not… you don’t… c’mon, man.