[attending a lecture on kleptomania]

Me: *taking notes*

Keynote speaker: please give me back my notes

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If you’re bringing a kid to my house, it better be a baby goat.


[therapy session]

THERAPIST: ok…I totally respect your feelings & you sound genuine…but that was just the plot of Jurassic Park

ME: nuh uh


“Sorry about your dress.”
“Sorry about the nudity.”
“Sorry I kept calling your wife sir.” –

Me, the day after the office Christmas party.


Just walked up to a white van in the parking lot and it literally sped away.

*Blindfolds myself
*Rage eats candy


My husband made me a really romantic dinner once. When I finished cleaning the kitchen a week later, I warned him never to do anything like that to me ever again.



wow, soft hands! u must’ve never worked a day in ur life

[coming off a 9 hour shift at the Vaseline factory] “u dont know me.”


My son is screaming his head off in his room but there’s no way I’m going in there if his monster reports are true.


Somewhere, some Nigerian lawyer is wondering why you’re not sending him the personal information that he needs to give you your inheritance


KING: Behind one door waits a viscous tiger; behind the other, a fair lady. Now the prisoner must choose!

ME: Hey, if I open them both, will the tiger just eat the lady?

KING: That’s not… you don’t… c’mon, man.