You can describe my personality as being confidently wrong all the time.
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Someone is at work raving about how good her tofu meatloaf was that she served for dinner.
I’ma tell you now, you serve me tofu anything, and I will consider it an at of war.
He: did you burn dinner again?
Me: it’s a Flambé.
He: it’s mac and cheese
Me: it’s French mac and cheese!!
Pro-Tip: If you’re going to use chlorophorm on someone make sure you don’t inhale it yourself.
This morning my therapist said more people need to do things without expecting anything in return, so I left without paying her.
If Kevin Bacon didn’t acknowledge his kids as “Bacon Bits” I’ll be forever disappointed.
[at the mall]
“I’ve lost my son. Can you make an announcement for me?”
“Sure, what’s his name?”
“Xander.”
“See, that’s why he ran off.”
Never underestimate what a woman will do for love.
I’m quite sure if Adam had offered Eve a donut, that whole Garden of Eden thing would’ve gone in an entirely different direction.
Me: I am a man of substance.
Motion-activated faucet: No.
“So Dave died”
Dave from work or Dave who never follows through on things
“Both. it was a suicide pact”
*dave walks in* hey guys
Guys, I’ve never watched Succession or Ted Lasso. It’s like I’m some uncontacted tribe in the middle of nowhere
Things I’m leaving in 2021:
Telling my kids to brush their teeth. Have fun with cavities you dummies.
Hiding my snacks from kids. No you can’t have any. Get a job and buy your own.
Waiting until 5pm to drink wine. 9am rosé pairs well with another lockdown and virtual learning.
FRIEND WHO JUST GOT BIT BY A VERY VENOMOUS SPIDER: Hurry, the antidote!
ME: This reminds me of a time
FRIEND: No, not an anecdote! *Dies*
[driving to a party]
WIFE: please try to spice up your stories a little bit tonight[at the party]
ME: my doctor prescribed me a new blood pressure medicine *glances at wife* so i murdered him
[watches you eat my bday cake]
“I’ve poisoned that.”
“Haha very [clasps chest & begins panting] w-with what?”
[leans in & winks]
“Poison.”
Evening News is where they begin with ‘Good Evening’ and then proceed to tell you why it isn’t.
Fun thing to do: Before leaving someone’s house, ask them if you can take a roll of toilet paper “to go”
I used to think my chiropractor couldn’t fix my back problem but now I stand corrected
[talking with counselor]
I don’t “know” what “she” means that I “use” excessive air quotes
Just walking down the “Gluten Free” aisle, secretly dropping boxes of Twinkies in everyone’s carts.
Save time on divorce paperwork, and just hand the judge your phone.
Like watching a full length movie – but in just 27-seconds…
Breaking News. Apple is to buy Ireland to solve the debt problem. It will be rebranded iLand
An eel can swim faster than me, but i could probably run faster than an eel. So in a triathlon it would all come down to who is the better cyclist
lmao i’m in boston and you’re telling me they really talk like this??? i thought everyone was just doing a bit to make fun of mark wahlberg
Told my 4 yo that his hamster died and that was in heaven with God. 4yo: Why would God want a dead hamster?
Recipe called for 3 eggs. Only had 2. No problem, I thought, I’ll just cut the recipe by one third.
Deep within the ingredient list, 2 and 2/3 cups of Bisquick cackled, basking in the moment it would reveal itself, far too late for anything to stop the math that would be needed
Yesterday I wanted a pizza. Today I’m eating one.
Fight for your dreams.
Mobster: we need to set up a shell company
Lobster: let me handle this, boss
I’m not saying she’s worse than my mom…
But my wife doesn’t seem to like any of my girlfriends.