[watches you eat my bday cake]
“I’ve poisoned that.”
“Haha very [clasps chest & begins panting] w-with what?”
[leans in & winks]
“Poison.”
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Me: The timing is off
Mechanic: Okay, but I can’t help you with your jokes
Come back after dark. Bring your friends
Biden: I wanna join the protest.
Obama: Joe, we’ve been over this.
Biden: But they’re–
Obama: How about some ice cream?
.
.
.
Biden: Okay.
They call it a Caesar salad because it’s as bad for your health as receiving 23 separate stab wounds.
I’M TOO SEXY FOR MY RADIATION SUIT I scream as I run out into the wasteland. So sexy it hurts. Oh god it hurts. Help-
[Mom]: My son’s voice is changing
[Dr.]: Thats normal at his age
[Mom]: This is normal?
*fax machine noises are coming from the kid’s mouth*
The fact that no one on House Hunters has ever looked at a bathroom and said “I can picture myself taking a dump in here” is a tragically missed opportunity
Judge: You need supervision.
Me: [Imagines toasting toast at a slightly increased rate with laser eyes] YES! Do it now robed wizard.
a girl took a grilled cheese out of her purse and threw it across the street like a frisbee to me i never thought i’d be able to love again
Haunted Houses should be open year round. Some of us want to get chased with a chainsaw in January.
Me: my Husband always wanted a Viking funeral
Friend: but weren’t you supposed to wait until he died to shoot him with a flaming arrow?
Me: ugh, that’s what the jury said too.
Guard: visiting hours are up.
🎶Where did you come from?
Where did you go?🎶Me, seeing a mouse run past me across the kitchen floor
[Guy on street handing out free fake moustaches]
Me: how many am I allowed
Guy: just one
Me: we’ll see
Always the kidnapper, never the kidnapped
(Don’t) touch!
(Don’t) scream!
(Don’t) run!
(Don’t) fight!
(Don’t) pee here!
(Don’t) put that in your mouth!~ Toddler selective hearing
A Christmas Carol but Scrooge has enough money to hire the Ghostbusters.
So, turns out the fig leaf is not appropriate apparel for the modern office, even on dress-down Friday. Who knew?
me: [placing 20 bags of pizza rolls onto counter]
cashier: getting ready for the big snow storm?
me: snow storm?
Haters will see you walk on water and say it’s because you can’t swim
Maggi is the girlfriend of the food world. It says 2 minutes but never gets ready in less than 20 minutes.
I saw my Subway artist drinking absinthe in the alley behind the shop. This sandwich gonna be a masterpiece.
Wife: Why is there a charge for $3,000 to Men’s Warehouse?
Me: I have no idea. Don’t go outside tho
Hate it when I get carried away with emotions.
Lost a who-blinks-1st competition with a box of donuts & had to eat em all in a fit of rage
VAMPIRE: ur making this weird
ME: my neck is ticklish!
the human wiped away my eye booger. only to pet it back onto me. i have never experienced such betrayal
[I go to Hell and everything appears to be virtually identical to Earth]
“Well this isn’t so bad”, I say
[I immediately notice that my voice sounds exactly like I do on a tape recorder]
trying to act casual so the printer doesn’t realize this is time sensitive
Fact: In the 80s nobody could have sex until someone started playing a saxophone.
Last week my son asked me why we don’t just call them ‘water hydrants’ and I still don’t have an answer for him.
I’m a giver.
*gives you a hard time*