Haters will see you walk on water and say it’s because you can’t swim
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Executioner: *sweating, hauling up guillotine blade for the ninth time* Please, I have to go home.
Turtle: I won’t pull in this time lol
“Wow, Dad, you had two beers and then ANOTHER ONE?!”
– My 3yo, auditioning for a new family.
Sure, you women *say* you don’t need men anymore. But just wait until we start packaging tampons in tightly sealed jars.
God: make a thing where humans blow mucus out of their face at 500 mph..
Angel: .. we’ll call it a sneeze
God: … fine. But make sure they do it AT LEAST three times in a row
My husband just solved a puzzle on Wheel of Fortune with only 2 letters turned on the board and he leaned over to high five me.
If anyone wants to high five him back, he’s still waiting.
Every store gives away free stuff you just have to play the game by out running the security guard
Salad is being recalled.
Do you know what’s never been recalled?Original Oreos.
YOU (falling prey to the pathetic fallacy): The sky is angry tonight.
ME (science-loving, dispassionate): Everything is angry all the time.
Christmas decor isn’t meant to be sleek and minimalist it is supposed to look like joy threw up in your house.
history: itself. itself. itself. itself. itself. itself. itself. itself. itself.
New sheets new sheets watcha gonna do whatcha gonna do when I sleep in you
*First bite of pancakes
“This is the greatest food ever!”
*Last bite of pancakes
“In the name of Gru and all his minions I shall never eat this food again”
*sets the mood with candlelight, flowers and the pepto bismol jingle
I don’t homeschool my kids cause the only historic battle I know is the one between Biggie and Tupac.
Me: Screams into the void
Void: screams back
Me: Screams into void again
Void:
Me:
Void: welp this is awkward, but I was actually screaming to the person behind you
Torturer: you shock him this time
Me: more people have been on the moon than won Takeshi’s Castle
Torturer: no not— wait really
Sorry I called the police when I saw you running, I didn’t know you did that for fun.
when wolves raise a human child no one cares, but when i raise a wolf as my child and send it to elementary school everyone freaks out
walking into gamestop smoking a cigar to announce that i own $60 of stock and i demand they add garfield to super smash bros
Fireman: [bursts in] EVERYONE OUT THIS IS NOT A DRILL
Me: No its a hose lol
[later]
Cop: looks like he filled him with water til he exploded
son: dad sing me a song
me: alright *clears throat* SHAWTY HAD THEM APPLE BOTTOM JEANS
wife from the other room: JEANS
me: BOOTS WITH THE FUR
wife: *shows up, grabs both door handles and drops it low* WITH THE FUR
me: THE WHOLE CLUB WAS LOOKING AT HER
Hubs says when I drink I’m “too loud” and use too many “big words.”
WELL I’M SORRY IF MY VOCIFEROUS GRANDILOQUENCE BOTHERS YOU!!
Throwback to this Gorilla in a pool dancing to Maniac.
first time in subway and the worker took a picture of my order 😭😭 am I doing this wrong
Me: Are the bowling trophies included?
Realtor: Haha
Me: …
Realtor: …no, they aren’t
Me: I’m not interested then
She said that having a successful marriage is all about making sacrifices so I threw her into a volcano.
the first time my brother got covid, he decided to shave his head and tell everyone it was one of the symptoms, which was just so wrong yet so very very funny
japanese corn
Him: SHE SAID YES!!
Me, handing him fries: you really don’t need to scream that for every customer who supersizes their order, Jeffrey.