Torturer: you shock him this time
Me: more people have been on the moon than won Takeshi’s Castle
Torturer: no not— wait really
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[Me as a Realtor]
BUYERS: this is a great house, what’s the catch?
ME: Well, it is a bit.. [cant think of the word haunted] ghost encrusted
Dear Televised Sports Injury,
We saw it the first time.
Thanks.
Skills
It’s not about retweets or followers, it’s about alienating your children so they learn to be independent and responsible
Superman comfortably getting dressed in a phone booth indicates he had the body of a 10th grader.
With all due respect to Marie Kondo if I wanted to actually get rid of all the things in my life that didn’t “bring me joy” I’d just throw myself into a dumpster
As my mate Simon once said, there should be a German word for “there should be a German word for”.
Never trust a vegetarian who eats animal crackers
A 27yo asked me to come home with him!
I was quite flattered until he told me his mum was away and so he probably only wanted me to cook a midnight snack for him!
Science: caffeine can cause sleep issues.
Me who drinks a ton of coffee: if only there was something I could do to improve my sleep.
Stopped drinking coffee 3 days ago, and feel less and less addicted to caffeine with every new cup of my own pee.
I don’t want kids for the simple reason that math has changed and I won’t be able to help with their homework
We only teach “stop, drop and roll” to put out fire but honestly if you do it in pretty much any social situation it will also stop that.
Mini-horses are like mini-donuts, you can’t just eat one
Woman cut me off, stole my parking spot. I honked, flipped her off and went into yoga. Woman came into class as the instructor. Namaste.
My daughter just watched “Cujo” for the first time.
Guess who’s putting shaving cream around the dogs mouth later ?
I tried to forge my dad’s signature in first grade. Without knowing cursive. Let’s just say the bank didn’t give me that loan.
If you think the world revolves around you, you’re either a narcissist or a terrible astronomer.
The heavy sighs are coming from inside the kitchen. A passive aggressive horror story
Whenever I go down the stairs next to an escalator, I always move faster than the escalator to prove to the people I made the better decision
I can finish The Times’ crossword in under five minutes but I struggle to eat the whole paper
“Oh hi, you’re home early”
🚲+physics = winner
🎶Where did you come from?
Where did you go?🎶Me, seeing a mouse run past me across the kitchen floor
Me: I need to go outside and shovel but it’s so cold
My girlfriend: Want me to help?
Me: No I th-
My Girlfriend: Okay
Every so often, someone in the know has a momentary lapse in judgment, and you get a glimpse of what geopolitics in the 21st century is actually like.
This is one of the most illuminating tweets ever in that regard:
When my wife told me to stop pretending to be a flamingo, I just had to put my foot down.
Me in my 20s: SEVEN MORE SHOTS AND THEN TACO BELL!
Me in my 40s: I have moderate hip pain & I believe I may have swallowed some hair
Just walked up to a white van in the parking lot and it literally sped away.
*Blindfolds myself
*Rage eats candy
To find out your cat name, pick any name at random and refuse to answer to it.