A 27yo asked me to come home with him!
I was quite flattered until he told me his mum was away and so he probably only wanted me to cook a midnight snack for him!
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Women are too difficult, I’m gonna marry a poptart
Wife: *looking through my yearbook* you have the exact same haircut
Me: well I use a bigger bowl now
The quickest way to get a creationist to shut up is threatening to throw them off the edge of the earth.
Her: I’m leaving…
Me: Good. Go. I never loved you in the first place.
Her:…for the store.
Me: Oh…..Pick me up some Funyuns?
Someone threw a chainsaw at me this morning.
Definitely a first.
It was pretty cool.
5: Next year, I’m going to be 6, and my sister will be 2.
Me: Yup, that’s right.
5: And my brother will be 9.
Me: Good job.
5: And you’ll be fort-
Me: That’s enough math for now.
I said ‘wake me up with just your mouth’ and she’s not stopped yelling until after I jumped out of the bed.
I wonder if the people who camp out in front of stores for Black Friday sales realize there are online sales too.
The year is 2543. Beyblades are a form of currency. Everyone speaks in emoji. President Woof outlaws all cats. Madonna releases a new single
I bet when spiders see those fake green cob webs on Halloween they must be like “Ugh, tourists”.
i like how every TEDtalk ever is just like “organize your time better” and everyone says “revolutionary, thank you”
So UBER is not a dating app?
*sigh*
I kinda thought all those ‘Goodbye’ kisses seemed more awkward than usual.
“Jesus take the wheel” -an Asian man telling the police that a Mexican guy stole his rims off his Honda Civic.
This guy walked up to me and said he knew me from somewhere but couldn’t place where. I asked if he’d ever worked in a liquor store and guess what you guys?
piñata: harder daddy
me: [lifts blindfold] what
piñata: let me wear the blindfold
Karate Kid (1984) Two grown adults enlist minors to fight a martial arts proxy war.
Whoever you are, you can’t deny that
Harry Potter & the Fallopian Tubes
sounds like a legitimate title.
Don’t act like you wouldn’t read it.
Date – “so they had no other chairs?”
Me [sitting on an alpaca] “no”
When you hear those 4 awful words:
‘Break into small groups’
‘So Timmy, how did you fall into that well?’
‘Oh. I never fell in, I was p-
*sees Lassie do cut throat motion*
-was jumping in.’
Sure you look forward to the day your kids are independent adults and living on their own, but it’s a double edged sword because then it becomes even harder to avoid talking to your husband.
Does racism still exist? Let’s go to this panel of white people to find out.
when wolves raise a human child no one cares, but when i raise a wolf as my child and send it to elementary school everyone freaks out
A large part of parenting is pretending you don’t smell anything weird
captain: enemy sub approaching, activate the sauna
1st mate: dont you mean sonar
captain (already in towel): full steam ahead
Good: Waking up every day
Bad: in 2020
Me: You are pretty.
She: Thanks.Me: I wish there was something between us.
She: Me too.Me: Really?? Like what??
She: A wall.
House for sale. Spider on ceiling.
Stop and smell the roses. Hug the roses. Procreate with the roses. Have little rose babies.
The amount of time you spend cleaning your house before a friend comes over is inversely proportional to the quality of that friendship.