Someone threw a chainsaw at me this morning.
Definitely a first.
It was pretty cool.
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[dinner]
SIS: I made $1M last year. Please pass the peas
BRO. Same. Please pass a roll
ME: I have $1.23 in my shoe. Please pass the cyanide
I was arrested on suspicion of accessory to peeing in a pigpen but my lawyer says they’ll drop the charges if I squeal
BARBER: would you like a hot towel?
ME: buddy, I don’t objectify towels
does anyone know how to use nunchucks, I got a pair for xmas and I’ve just been swinging em around real fa
I call all dogs ‘puppies’, regardless of age. They like it.
me and the Superbowl rn
I think people who use “go fly a kite” as an insult don’t really understand kites or insults.
BOSS: Ok so far so good. But before we finish the interview I’m gonna have you take a typing test.
LOBSTER: *looking down at claws* Shit
I hate when people use words without knowing the meaning…gives me a huge hysterectomy on the side of my head.
♫ Hey there Delilah, for your word spell Mississippi
“May I have the definition?”
The state siblings can get frisky ♪
and cousins toooo ♫
My dog after a walk in the woods.
Got kicked out of a museum today for bringing a painting to the front and asking, “how much is this one?” It’s like they don’t want any help during a pandemic.
When Granpa revealed an exit wound scar from WWII it gave me strength to show him the owie owie bruise I suffered closing a faulty pizza box
Facebook’s forever reminding me about people’s birthdays like I sell cakes😒😒.
According to Facebook, 78% of girls I went to high school with now own their own photography business.
Daddy Bear -“Someones been sleeping in my bed.”
Mummy Bear -“Wouldn’t be the first time.”
Daddy Bear -“It’s been 3 years Sue, let it go.”
I should probably do some housework before they try to film the next Febreeze commercial here.
how about a smoke detector that can tell the difference between me cooking bacon and my house being engulfed in flames
Life is short. Take risks. Run with scissors. Dance with scissors like nobody’s watching. Stop waiting for tomorrow to do cool shit with scissors.
(Electricians.)
“Did you get my text?”
Option 1: No? When did you send it?
2: I was just about to reply
3: Yes, I thought I replied?
4: I typed a reply but didn’t press send
5: I lost all my numbers and didn’t know who it was
6: My phone’s been weird today
7: Yes, need to talk to you about that
GOVERNMENT: groups of more than 2 people are banned
HUMAN CENTIPEDE: oh no
-I heard this dog was chipped.
-Microchipped sir.
-I don’t care how small the chip is, I’m not paying full price.
WAITER: would you like to try the chef’s special, tender snow crab?
ME [getting defensive]: maybe but there’s no reason for name calling
I’m my own worst enemy, but there are literally hundreds of people tied for second place.
My 8-year-old has been explaining his video game to me since 2003
If you didn’t bring enough cough syrup for everyone, maybe don’t drink it in front of us, Gary.
[giving a eulogy for my doctor]
ME: im very sorry that i ate all of those apples
[at a Doja Cat concert]
me [loudly]: PSPSPSPSPS
thankfully, most bananas are boneless