[at a Doja Cat concert]
me [loudly]: PSPSPSPSPS
You Might Also Like
If all of the pizza cutters are dirty then 1 whole pizza counts as 1 serving
“Pecan” sounds like Yoda telling someone he is able to go to the bathroom.
I could save myself a whole bunch of time if I could just remember to take the cap off of my lip balm before using hand lotion.
Can Twitter come up with relationship statuses like FB?
-Married and spouse knows about account
-Married but acts single
-Single and getting some
-Single and jealous of people getting some
-Registered sex offender
“I’m not sure-”
wife: honey he’s a zookeeper if he says these are koalas I trust him-aww look at them!
*the raccoons hiss from the dumpster*
excuse me why are *people* accepting medals for the equestrian events this is some bs
cop: this flat earther was ran over by a steamroller
detective: i guess you could say it’s [puts on sunglasses] really bright outside today
Did a trash talking tree write this?
*holds up bread* this is my body
*holds up wine* this is my blood
*holds up fire* and this is my mixtape
I mean, COME ON! It’s not like I MEANT to serve sangria instead of kool aid to my Sunday School class but at least those animal crackers were straight up legit!
[Starbucks]
“Yes, I’d like a venti skinny soy half-sweet one-pump caramel macchiato half-caff extra whip, please.”
Barista: Is Pepsi ok?
Recipe sites be like: Here’s a recipe, but first let me recite my family history back to 1578, tell you about my silly lil’ DUI I got in college, show you 57 pictures of my dog, and complain about my no-good spouse who is cheating with the landlord
I work out with two other gays a few times a week and one of them said this morning “I’m going to a gala where we have to wear caftans á la Mrs. Roper from Threes Company” and I heard our very straight, very young trainer just mumble “I didn’t understand a word of that sentence.”
“The only difference between heterosexual and homosexual sex is which hole you stick it in.”
~my mother after a few drinks
Nothing says “thought of you, and masturbated” like ‘liking’ a girl’s Facebook photo from 2009.
When I get a girlfriend, what do I feed it
Since Monopoly replaced its tiny iron, the talking mice in my walls now all have wrinkled shirts.
Just so u know guys I literally covered my roommates bed in 324 pieces of cornbread 2 make it a “cornbed” so ur fakes puns mean nothing 2 me
Was going to do some writing on the porch but there’s a woman across the street lambasting her bf for cheating.
So now I’m just going to sit on the porch.
VILLAGERS: Stop crying wolf, you stupid idiot!
BOY: Fine
{later}
BOY: Help…Wolf!
WOLF: What’s up?
BOY: I need you to kill the villagers
SCIENTIST: the earth is dying
ME: oh no how long do we have
SCIENTIST: 8 maybe 9 months
ME: so what you’re saying is no more condoms
[being strangled]
me: wait stop
murderer: what
me: did u wash your hands
Someone: You ever just look at someone, and realize you’d go to the ends of the Earth for them?
Me: At the current gas prices, are you nuts?
2/22/22 was created by Big 2 to sell more 2s.
SUMMER BREAK WEEK 1
Kid: Can I have a popsicle for breakfast?
Me: No, absolutely not.
SUMMER BREAK WEEK 2
Kid: Can I have a popsicle for breakfast?
Me: After you eat your real breakfast.
SUMMER BREAK WEEK 3
Kid: What’s for breakfast?
Me: Popsicles.
What if i just replied “not now kitten daddy’s busy” to all my work emails?
Soldier: The target entered a building
General: Find and detain him
Soldier: It’s… a candy cane factory
General: *slams fist* DAMN YOU WALDO
I’m not saying she has daddy issues but she only fills out credit cards for the instant approval.
I’d rather lose the Super Bowl than have Gatorade poured on me.
[hunting]
DAD: dont scare him
ME: did u know we dump 16 tons of sewage into our waters every minute
DEER: holy shit
DAD: what did i just say