[Starbucks]
“Yes, I’d like a venti skinny soy half-sweet one-pump caramel macchiato half-caff extra whip, please.”
Barista: Is Pepsi ok?
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Coworker: How’s your worksite?
Me: I can see my work fine thank you.
People always ask me why there’s a chair in my shower. Who the hell eats chili standing up?
My wife asked me to bring her home a dozen Roses, and I really hope she appreciates the gesture, because it took 9 hours, 5 nursing homes, and 2 church bingo games to collect them all.
“Pay no attention to the man behind the curtain.”
– me, peeping at you in the shower
*knocks on woman’s washroom*
Hello anyone in here?
*no one answers*
*runs in & lifts up every toilet seat*
HAHAHA
*runs away giggling*
everybody has a drawer in their home that contains both garbage and the most important documents a human can have
[In cubicle at work]
*pretends to start clipping my nails*
*tosses uncooked grains of rice onto co-workers desk with each clip*
CW: WTF!
I’m just a girl, sitting on a plane, watching each person come closer to the empty seat beside me and thinking “please don’t sit here”.
I’m not saying it would kill me to work out, I’m just saying my wife bought me a gym membership and doubled my life insurance…
scrabbled eggs
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i’ve eaten so many carbs during quarantine, my blood sugar is now regulated by pancakereas
Math is like my parenting. I do it when I have to, but I’m not great at it.
Found 6 cents in the laundry and all I can say is this family better start tipping better if they want fabric softener
WARNING: Local youths in the park are claiming to be tax inspectors & are issuing fines for €70 in “gullibility tax”. DO NOT PAY. Turns out there’s no such tax. When you go back to confront them, they say they can’t do refunds without a tax receipt. THEY NEVER GAVE ME A RECEIPT
When my kids were little they’d say the cleverest things to total strangers like, “My mom drove into the garage door when it was shut.”
Are we done? Can we go?
-A memoir.
Don’t fall in love with your therapist they are crazier than you are.
FUN FACT:
Bears hibernate in the winter just to get away from Christmas music…
The ostrich may have the right idea
but I hate sand in my hair.
*still doesn’t understand when or why asterisks started indicating action*
I should have been a Librarian, my favourite thing to do is telling people to shut up
I forgot the word “torch” earlier today so I googled “fire on a stick.” I have two degrees in English.
How would you describe your past work?
[Cut to me picking up coins off sidewalks and taking them to CoinStar]
-Change management.
Look, I’m sorry about your leg but this note from my doctor clearly states that this is an emotional support wolverine.
Her Parents: Tell us how u two love birds met
Me: We were in a tweet contest & was added to a DM room & then I gave her a fake trophy
HP: ..
[on a first date]
Me: So do you like puppies?
Her: Oh I love them
Me: Ok, so we’ll both have the puppies
Waiter: Excellent choice, sir
I only eat people when they’re cooked properly. I’m not a savage.
“Your former crush likes this thing”
“Your former crush likes this thing”
“Your former crush likes this thing”
My Scottish wife just channeled her inner Braveheart… We finally put the baby to bed, close the door, and she goes, “FREEEEEEEEDOM!!!” 🍷
Falling in love with me is like cutting your own hair. As in you’ll regret it later.