Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My husband and I have dedicated to potty training our 3-year-old this weekend because apparently we haven’t challenged our marriage enough lately.

All of these jokes are gonna be a lot less funny when I die of laundry.

ALERT

At 9:20am, I lost an apostrophe.

Last seen in the word “Let’s”.

If you see it, please send it home.

Its tweet misses it.

DATE: [whispering in my ear] i’ve got a secret
ME: [also whispering] is it tacos
DATE: [giggles] no
ME: can it be tacos

REALITY SHOW HOST: …and one of you will be going home

ME: how many points do I need for that

Heard a rival dad in the neighborhood was handing out full size candy bars so now every trick-or-treater that comes to my door is getting an entire rotisserie chicken.

The 16yo tells me he’s been revising all day. His browser history suggests he’s got his YouTube exam in the morning.

The Internet wins again..👇👇🤣🤣🤣👏👏

Accidentally got two shots of hand sanitizer so if you need me I’ll be rubbing my hands together for the rest of my life.

My 2yo just called me a rapscallion. Proof that my husband has been spending time with the children.

Coffee cause nowadays there’s just too many cameras in the world to get away with anything.

Amazon needs an Oh Shit I Forgot to Buy a Present button.

-Marital tech support, how can I help you?

-I’ve lost my connection to my wife.

-Have you tried turning her off and back on?

-I did the first part.

Tip for lower back pain: injure your neck to take your mind off it.

You: (tweeting something personal and profound)

Me: (replying to said tweet) *you’re

“pew, pew, pew!”

-me, pointing out seating options in a church

“Let’s call it a day.”

I don’t know what else you’d call it.

Calling it a turtle would just sound stupid.

“Lets call it a turtle.”

See?

The last thing I want to do is hurt you. But it’s still on the list.

sorry I missed your call, 95% of the calls I get are from robots trying to steal my credit card information so this entire method of communication is now dead to me

Latte is the most popular part of the pumpkin spice plant.

i woke up at 3:48 from a weird dream i wanted to rememember. tried to text myself sketchy details. accidentally sent them to a number one off from mine. help

69% of people find something dirty in every sentence.

I watched Dexter. Now I’m watching Cold Case Files Classic.

Netflix really needs to decide if I can get away with murder or not.

“And the Oscar for Best Actress goes to…..Beyoncé?”

*Kanye slowly sits down*

I take off my blindfold. Before me is a gory tableau of death and destruction, bodies strewn across the landscape. The piñata is unscathed.

My neighbor put alarms in his yard designed to scare squirrels & rabbits but the alarms go off every 20 secs & it’s maddening. He thinks they’re a frequency humans can’t hear (he’s 90 & near deaf). I pulled the batteries & he can’t tell they’re off. Am I going to hell for this?

i call soup dumplings “soup dumps” which was cute until i texted my friend “i forgot to send you a pic of my dumps”

*wife grabs my wrist as I go overboard*
Her: You’re… slipping…
Me: Pretend I’m the covers.
*she easily pulls me to safety with one arm*

[dollar store]

“how much for your finest dollar?”

9yo son: The difference between moms and dads is that when you say “I’m hungry,” moms say “go eat something” and dads say “hi, Hungry, I’m dad.”