[Starbucks]
“Yes, I’d like a venti skinny soy half-sweet one-pump caramel macchiato half-caff extra whip, please.”
Barista: Is Pepsi ok?
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oh u like me? name 5 meds i take
*keeps applying antiperspirant until he can remember doing both armpits*
The Beatles: 🎶 lend me your ears and I’ll sing you a song
Van Gogh: here you go
I’m so old they didn’t even name my generation. They just called us hoodlums.
Mom [holding newborn baby]: Let’s name the baby after my grandfather
Dad: What would be the point of naming him after your grandfather already did
I’d kill for a body like that BUT I WILL NOT EXERCISE FOR IT
I can’t tell if my baby is a slow clapper or is starting a slow clap to mock my parenting.
Seriously, if I were a manager at Burger King, my answer to every complaint would be, “You’re at Burger King.”
Hey microwaves that make me hit a “time” button before I start pressing numbers: what else would I be trying to do here, make a phone call?
“I hate it when people pretentiously drop French words and phrases into conversations” I said to my fiancé, a propos of nothing, while en route to a café to enjoy hors d’oeuvre and an apéritif.
Company loyalty can often be explained by Stockholm syndrome.
My daughter does this thing where she copies EVERYTHING the dog does; Bark, beg, fetch etc. It was adorable!
Until the dog humped the couch
My husband just screamed NOOOOOO so loud I thought something was horribly wrong. Don’t worry you guys, no one is injured, someone just hit their ball in the water at the Master’s.
Me: if you’re a cop you have to tell me
Judge: way past that
“Remember where we parked.”
-Me, to my dog.
Please do it!
In WWII soldiers left burlesque magazines around so if an enemy found it he’d yell “HOt DOG” then howl like a wolf & give away his position
Winter sex: “Let’s do this”. *slowly takes off all three pairs of rugby socks, wipes nose, continues to take off more socks*
“Night shift again, Harry?”
“Someone has to patrol the streets.”
“Get you something to eat?”
“How’s the tuna today?”
“Edible.”
“I’ll have a sammich then, Doreen.”
“You got it, hon. Back in a jiffy.”
[gains weight] ugh clothes don’t fit
[loses weight] ugh clothes don’t fit
(mcdonalds drive thru employee hands me bag) wow that was fast. you must’ve made this before
70 percent of parenting is sounding like a Scooby-Doo villain when you tell your spouse, “And I would have been able to get to those dishes if it weren’t for those meddling kids!”
[Calling the police]
“Help! Someone with a slice of beef strapped to his elbow is chasing me!”
“Stay calm.”
“Yes, that’s him!”
All microwaveable popcorn packages should be accompanied by dental floss
“Here’s your cup of Joe” – Joe at the sperm bank
Commercial for elbows:
A frustrated man steers his car with totally straight arms. “Why did I go with the cheap arms?!”
Narrator: “Elbows”
My 5yo won an argument with me by saying “I’m just going to agree with myself”
Saw a “Toby Keith’s I Love This Bar” that went out of business. Apparently he was the only one.
A waffle is just a more considerate pancake. It’s like, here, let me hold that syrup for you in these convenient boxes.
*knuckle tats*
M A Y O N N A I S E