I only eat people when they’re cooked properly. I’m not a savage.
You Might Also Like
Walruses? Walri? Walrus?
Anyway…They’ve escaped.
Act now and we will double your order of crap!
Infomercials
good for her
My mom found a Barbie Dreamhouse at a garage sale when I was a kid, but all the stickers were ripped off so I drew on appliances and wallpaper. Debbie, down the street, called it Barbie Crackhouse and now she wants to be my friend on Facebook? Ha!
I couldn’t afford an engagement ring so I just poured a can of spaghettios on her hand
[In the gym] hey guys it’d be a lot easier to lift these weights if we worked together
“I said, ‘No’”
– me, about to give my dog my sandwich
not to get all political on here but i’m pretty sure strawberry and blueberry pop-tarts taste exactly the same.
(holding a pickle like a cigarette) do you mind if i?
Me: Can I get that to go?
Priest: That’s not how communion works
We’ve all heard the peanut butter debate, but what about mayo? Smooth or Crunchy?
I’m glad Pitbull always announces his name right away so I know when to turn the radio off.
My reaction to being on a flight with a lot of kids is that I really wish they made light up theme sneakers in my size
Telling someone to “calm down” usually just makes them more angry. Instead just start blastin rainforest sounds from your boombox
When there were a lot footprints in the sand, that was a bunch of jesus’s chasing you
My kids are gonna give me a god damn heart attack
Therapist: don’t take things personally
Me: [literally a conscious being that experiences life from a first-person perspective] ok I’ll try
me: somebody stole a painting. they broke in, disabled the alarm–
detective: okay I got the picture
me: oh wow that was really fast
Me: I’m on a diet.
Random: a diet is just what you eat. Technically everyone is on a diet.
Me: do you want to go fishing? Don’t worry about what the bucket and bags of cement are for.
Have you found them?
“Not yet, sir.”
THEY’RE MUTANT TURTLES THAT DO KARATE. HOW HARD COULD IT BE?
“They wear tiny masks, sir.”
Hi, I’m Amanda and I stew on things that could’ve been handled in an hour for thirteen years.
I just witnessed an employee choking on her noodles and now I feel sorry for her husband.
Intermittent fasting is how I drive, not how I eat.
You know you’re getting old when you decide to tell your doctor the actual truth about your alcohol intake.
[My death bed]
*loved ones sobbing*
Me: Cheesecake. Not a slice ffs. The whole cheesecake. And no low-fat crap. Go! I don’t have all day.
Him: why do you keep poking me ?
Her: I’m looking for the mute button
How in the hell do people lose their children in a mall?
Seriously, any suggestions would be greatly appreciated.
Me: I picked up Oliver from doggy daycare.(talking to dog) I’d never forget you. No I wouldn’t.
Husband: Did you pick up the kids from your mom’s house?
Me: …Kids?
What’s it called when your bar is better stocked than your pantry?
Payday
When the moon hits your eye like 3.14 Pi
That’s the ratio of its circumference to its diameter