me: sorry, I move around a lot in bed
GF: it’s ok lol
[middle of the night]
me: [taps GF on the shoulder] I just bought a house in Montana
You Might Also Like
Damn he played himself
in movies the saddest thing a single woman can do is eat a microwave dinner, but a true rock bottom is eating a hot dog with normal bread as a bun…studios are too scared of that reality
My doctor said I need to lose weight so I have to cut carbs. Or get a new doctor. whatever is easiest.
oh nowwww everyone wanna know what introverts do for fun
People who try to beat you when walking into a store. No.
Had to Google, “Nice way to say selfish” for a recommendation today.
Waiting for the local donut park to open 🙂
You learn a lot about yourself when you decide to hide cookies from the family.
Him: I want a million dollars
Genie: Like hell u do, 🤣🤣, here’s a years free subscription of NetflixMe: I want my kid to keep all his toys properly
Genie:
Genie: How about a million dollars instead
Wonder what happened to all the kids in middle school who flipped their eyelids inside out at recess
There is a natural phenomenon going on in my house. It seems I’m the only one who sees the trash piling up. It’s quite astounding.
10 Easy Steps to Learn Binary:
1) There are 1’s and 0’s
10) There are no 2’s
Dear dads, you don’t actually have to wear athletic clothing to your kids’ games. You’re literally just going be be sitting.
No, YOU ploughed your car into your garage door because it was icy/you weren’t paying attention/whatever excuse is gonna get me out of trouble
starting to think my starbucks boyfriend is asking other girls their name too.
6yr old: (screaming in terror) there’s a giant spider in the bathroom!!!!!!!!
Daddy: I’ll get it. (Runs in bathroom). Don’t worry, he’s dead now.
6yr old: YOU KILLED HIM???? (Falls to the floor, sobbing)
kinda rude that my bank told me how much money i spent on food this month. what if i didn’t want to know that
People on tiktok r like “I bought the viral mascara so you don’t have to” and im like when did I have to……
A trailer of The Exorcist comes on.
Non parents:
Aargh I can’t look.Parents with kids who don’t sleep:
Ah a film about bedtime
*giraffe getting his daily coffee*
G: usual grande mocha man
Barista: gee that’s a…
G: *sigh*
B:…tall order
G: Christ, every goddam day Phil
*Receives good, solid, sound advice.
*Does exact opposite.
[making dinner]
Him, annoyed: it’s like you’re not listening to me
Me: *turns on the faucet, starts the dishwasher, pulses the blender* I have no idea what you’re talking about
“You know, your ex-wife was trash! I never liked her.”
“We’re still married, Grandma.”
“She’s such a lovely girl.”
COP:Do u know how fast u were going
ME: The posted speed limit, 495
COP: Sir that’s the route number, i don’t even know how I caught up to u
Please join me in prayer for my two year old daughter, her sleeve is wet.
ARUGULA is my favorite vegetable whose name sounds like a car horn from the 50’s.
Did you know cats are called cats because they’re roughly half the size of cattle?
Say what you will about the state of the world, but now feels like a really good time to start marketing my C̶u̶l̶t̶ C̶o̶m̶m̶u̶n̶e̶ Adult Summer Camp
How many syllables does the word “Gloria” have?
CATHOLICS: 18
Imagine if every Sunday all your friends decided to only speak in a foreign language. That’s how I feel during football season.