[making dinner]
Him, annoyed: it’s like you’re not listening to me
Me: *turns on the faucet, starts the dishwasher, pulses the blender* I have no idea what you’re talking about
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i dont know much about politics but have we ever tried turning a senator into a llama and teaming him up with a working guy to teach him empathy
[trying not to think about Sonic The Hedgehog during sex]
Her: faster! faster!
Me: oh god no
My dad says “sometimes I say shit just so she’ll give me the silent treatment!” True love! 🙂
Writer: a cartoon about 4 teenage turtles and a rat
Exec: not convinced
Writer: they’re mutants?
Exec: it needs to appeal to kids
Writer: they’re named after renaissance artists
[First Date]
*staring up at the stars
Her: “This is a little weird. Can we go now?”
Me: “But a lot of women find this very romantic…”
*Beyonce gives us the finger & closes the blinds, while Jay-Z starts dialing the cops
ME: *scattering remains* He loved this park.
PARK RANGER: But…but he hasn’t been cremated!
ME: *lowering axe* Cremated?
Her: 😉 Is that a potato in your pocke…
Me: *pulls a steaming hot fully loaded potato from my pocket*
I don’t know what happened but the entire pan of brownies is gone and I only had 4,500 slivers.
*gets abducted by aliens*
*immediately asks aliens if they’re familiar with the benefits of essential oils*
*gets returned by aliens*
I’m about two tissues away from shoving a tampon up my nose.
When I can’t find my car keys, I’m grateful for the most helpful suggestions like “Where did you last leave them?” and “They’ll turn up”.
I like to make things awkward at family gatherings by walking up behind each person and whispering ‘I know what you did last Christmas’
I think the implication that you might want to share your Kit Kat with 3 friends seems unreasonable.
I like my women like I like my coffee, passed through the digestive system of a cat
“You know I love that thick bottom” – me, telling my coworker about the new frying pan I got over the weekend
I have a mice problem so I lay out tiny red and blue bandanas in hopes they start a west coast/east coast thing and take care of each other.
Home Alone teaches us that a child can’t pack a suitcase but can create a fully functional flame thrower to harm a small New Jersey man.
In 1000 years, archaeologists will find tanning beds and think we fried people as punishments.
Noah build an ark
“what? why”
I’m gunna flood the earth
“just give me fish powers”
[jealous he didn’t think of that] JUST DO WHAT I SAY!
Well, Boatloaf, it began as a typo.
But as soon as I saw it I knew: one day it would be the name of my son.
[gets bit by spider]
[I don’t get powers]
[spider suddenly becomes tired & instantly hates Peppa Pig]
North Carolina just legalized same sex marriage. I thought all sex was the same after marriage.
A spinal surgery practice called Build Back Better.
McDonald’s french fries are not real food. Just found one under my car seat from two months ago and it looked perfect.
Tasted fine, too.
A man caught me applying chap stick, so I just started eating it so it wouldn’t be weird.
if it smells like bullshit & looks like bullshit, it probably is bullshit. Putting sugar on it doesn’t make it a brownie.
My dad is helping me clean my apartment. He picked up my vr controller and asked “Do I wanna know what this is? I’m not judging”
Please send help, I’m am deceased.
I just watched a YouTuber apology video where the lady played a ukulele and said “the only thing I ever groomed was my two Persian cats.”
Shall I compare thee to a summer’s day? You smell of bins.
Yah I ordered a large pizza but it’s thin crust/ light cheese so basically it’s a salad .