In 1000 years, archaeologists will find tanning beds and think we fried people as punishments.

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Him: When I suggested we try a little role play, this is not what I had in mind
Me: [in Jabba the Hutt costume] JUST PUT ON THE GOLD BIKINI


Just overheard my 2-year-old exclaim “YAY I DID IT” from the other room. What I learn next will either be exhilarating or horrifying.


its a good thing we swallow 8 spiders a year bc if it werent for those spiders, we’d be swalowing hundreds of flies and smaller insects


Son: Dad, is cousin Billy a mosquito?
Me: In Alabama?
S: Yeah.
M: Of course not. Why do you ask?
S: Mom said he was the product of insects.


I think it’s a bad sign that when 9 tries to play charades, everyone’s first guess is “constipation.”


Daughter just wandered in after being put to bed and I hid the ice cream I was eating like it was a joint.


Never trust your kids. You know who their parents are.


Son: I’m gay, dad.

Dad: no I’m gay dad

Dad #2: no I’m gay dad


I wonder about the people who unfollow after one day. What were they expecting, Louis C.K.?


Him: You’re not like other girls
Me: [foghorn sound]