In 1000 years, archaeologists will find tanning beds and think we fried people as punishments.
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Sorry I haven’t returned your text in 3 days, I was taking a nap.
Protip: If a party guest says “I don’t dance” what he’s really telling you is “make my drinks stronger please”.
back in ancient times they had to come up with gods to explain environmental phenomena, such as lightning, which was said to be from lightning bolts thrown by zeus. now that we have modern science, we know that lightning comes from pikachus
*wife looks through my phone
*divorces me 8 times
Shouldn’t Captain Crunch be Colonel Crunch by now? Apparently cereal mascot is a dead end job.
[Before the post office was invented]
SOME GUY: I need someone to deliver an important document
PIGEON: *simply existing*
SOME GUY: You seem trustworthy
I’ll believe corporations are people when Texas executes one.
(Flintstones theme song)
ninjas
turtle ninjas
they’re a teenage mutant family
with their
master splinter
they’re about to save new york city
If a drunk falls in the woods and no one is there to hear him, why did I go camping?
On a scale of 1 to girl who just got back from a semester abroad in Europe, how annoying are you?
“I’m not really a big dog person.” – lying werewolf
Boys who wear sports jerseys are just cosplaying athletes but no one is ready to have that conversation yet.
Me: Nice flowers. Co-worker: They’re from my boyfriend. Now I’m going to spend all weekend w/my legs in the air. Me: Don’t you have a vase?
I’m putting off having kids mainly because I’m not ready to be 9 months sober.
me: I’d like to work from home
hr: request deni—
m: but it’s government advice
hr: it’s simply imposs—
m: and these are dangerous times
hr: but you’re a train driver?
DAD: you need to look out for people
ME: yes we’re all in this together
[thump thump]
ME [slams on brakes] omg what was that?!
DAD: as I was saying
Donating blood gets complicated when it’s not yours. So many questions.
*shrugs off responsibility*
weigh me now
A fun thing to do would be to eat rat poison during a dinner party & then, when you die, they’ll blame the host’s cooking. Lol.
It’s almost as if my husband actually believes I’m saving us money when I say “I got it on sale.”
Whatever happened to that little girl from The Ring, did she grow up to be Kristen Stewart?
Before I do anything important, I always ask myself “would this gain house points for Gryffindor or lose house points for Gryffindor?”
Blackberry just announced a new CEO, but the most newsworthy part of this story is that Blackberry still exists.
What is your favorite movie about juice from a beetle?
me: anybody see how my deck was damaged?
him: chainsaw
me: then Chain needs to tell
when i was in elementary school we learned about a shape called a rhombus & that was the last time i ever heard about that shape ever again
No, please, let me give up my subway seat to your 6-year-old child who must be bone-tired from a life consisting mostly of playing & napping
SON: Why did mommy leave?
ME: You know how in your fav movie the t-rex fights the velociraptors even though it might die?
SON: Yeah
ME: She said that shit was fake yo
Can’t, need to go and at least see this gym that I am member of.