back in ancient times they had to come up with gods to explain environmental phenomena, such as lightning, which was said to be from lightning bolts thrown by zeus. now that we have modern science, we know that lightning comes from pikachus
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Batman: Introducing, the Robinmobile.
Robin: I’m so excited!
*curtain opens*
Robin: Bruce, that’s a car bed…
Batman: You’re welcome.
the things my dad sends my mom 😭😂
“Axe” is not going to help you get girls, unless you spray it in their eyes then quickly chloroform them.
4 out of 5 dentists agree u should not be going to 5 diferent dentists. it is important to have one dentist who knows ur dental history
You’re not allowed to judge someone based on their scream in bug related situations.
how is March already THIS WEEK, I’m still processing the industrial revolution era of 1820-1840
I may not be a victoria secret model but I do like to wear a somewhat of a matching pyjamma set in case a robber breaks in and decides to critique me on my sleeping attire.
Your home, like all homes, has an extra light switch that appears to do nothing when flipped. Nevertheless, you pass many idle hours curiously flipping it up and down. Far away, enormous dressage horses spawn out of thin air in my kitchen. Stop flipping the horse switch. Please.
[Gives husband a list for groceries]
He brings home 1/2 of what’s on the list and someone else’s kid.
For my next trick, I’ll be at a bar then magically reappear face down on my bedroom floor without a clue how I got there.
NICE TO MEAT YOU, I scream as I throw slices of salami at strangers
everyone has that one prude friend
*parks outside your house*
*holds up pepperoni pizza*
Me:
My dad:
Me:
My dad: when was the last time u checked ur oil
What if babies cry on airplanes because they are expecting to get eaten. “Here comes the airplane,” indeed
If anyone gets drunk later and feels like paying off a credit card or two for me hmu.
My dog, a descendant of the wolf, runs to me and cries when a leaf gets stuck to his paw
*watches TV*
GET AN ANONYMOUS ONLINE QUOTE NOW!
*logs on*
“You’re a giant idiot and your parents are very disappointed in you” – Anonymous
STOP KILLING CHEETAHS TO MAKE CHEETOS
I wish I were a British fighter pilot.
Those dudes are Royal AF.
I called my 2yo handsome today and he proceeded to stare at his hands for the next 5 minutes.
One of my firmly-held beliefs is that every one of us has driven off with something on our roof that wasn’t supposed to be there, and another is that we’ve all seen a car in traffic with coffee, a briefcase, or a purse on the roof and wondered what kind of idiot does that.
as a kid: i have to save up for this toy
as an adult: i have to save up for this rent
I just made coffee without coffee in it… I made water.
How’s your day going?
Cops are raiding Justin Bieber’s house looking for eggs. Seriously. Eggs. I can’t make this shit up. This is why other countries hate us.
[watching nature documentary]
*hawk kills mouse*
That’s so amazing.
*hawk kills lizard*
I could watch this all day.
*hawk kills bunny*
MURDERER! *turns off TV*
Erm…
I jack off in the shower using only L’Oréal conditioner. Why? Because I’m worth it.
For a final ironic twist, I’ve left instructions to bury me in activewear.
I’ve been saying I’ll sleep when I’m dead for so long, I’m starting to really look forward to dying.