For my next trick, I’ll be at a bar then magically reappear face down on my bedroom floor without a clue how I got there.
You Might Also Like
Thank goodness I have subtitles on, otherwise how would I know there is sinister cackling
Doctor: Did you take those pills I gave you last month?
Me: The package said “Take on an empty stomach” so, not yet.
The inside of my closet looks like a doctor prescribed me cardigans
Leaving the group chat so I can focus on my responsibilities as a Shark Tank subbreddit moderator .
[after sleeping in a slightly different position] I have gathered you all here to read my last will and testament…
We need tire spike strips installed for those idiots who can’t follow the big arrows and drive the wrong way down parking lot isles.
They’ll remember what those arrows mean next time.
Gyms are open !
Just finished an intense workout session! (sitting in a gym judging one person for the past 2 hours)
We’re lucky fire rhymes with liar liar; who knows what might have happened to our pants.
Raiders sequel: Temple of Doom
Daytona Speedway: Temple of Zoom
Flower garden: Temple of Bloom
Bridal chapel: Temple of Groom
Clothing factory: Temple of Loom
Demolition site: Temple of Boom
Funeral home: Temple of Gloom
Gary born
Gary child
Gary teenager
Gary middle-aged
Gary Oldman
This isn’t chess folks. Pick a nuggie sauce and move along
This guy at work always looks down my blouse. So im going to put a piece of popcorn in there to see if he points it out.
You had ONE job!
– insensitive greetings card for the recently laid-off.
There’s never been a single day in my life when I thought to myself ” thank god the cops are here”
Jeez, you do a Satanic voice into a baby monitor one time and your neighbors never invite you over again.
Creep yelling from window: “HEY SEXY WHERE YO MAN?”
Me yelling back: “HE DEAD”
Him: “WHAT HAPPENED TO HIM?”
Me: “HE YELLED AT ME”
I’m always disappointed when a bio states ‘avi not me’ especially when it’s an animal or a cartoon.
Want to feel old? We’re closer to the summer of 2069 than we are the original year Bryan Adams wrote that song about, the summer ‘69 AD.
Gravy boat.
Gravy boat.
All the dishes are on my son’s bedroom floor so I’m drinking coffee from a GRAVY BOAT!
Just bought a set of alphabet magnets for my fridge, so this may very well be my last tweet.
HER: but you can’t leave me – I’m carrying your baby!
HIM:
HER:
HIM: actually, that’s how babysitting works. I’ll be home in 2 or 3 hours
Metallica’s “Nothing Else Matters” is my favorite song about that 5 minutes of sleep before the alarm goes off.
someone reached out to my manager not too long ago, asking to confirm a rumor that jason momoa and i were dating. my manager said “absolutely not” hahahha i was like damn! at least meet me half way and just say we did “over the clothes stuff”
The number of kids you have determines how much time you need to get everyone ready to leave the house. One kid, 30 mins, 2 kids, about an hour. 3 kids, the Tuesday before
My aunt cuts her name & address label from magazines for fear of the legendary “saw your name & address on a magazine label” murderer
“My husband’s a talented voice actor & his brother’s a makeup artist but nah this old lady is a different person” -the mom in Mrs. Doubtfire
My debt forgiveness plan is simple: I have hidden five golden tickets in chocolate bars around the world. The lucky children that find the bars can use the tickets to pay tuition fees if they pass a series of simple tests during a visit to my candy factory
Nice try “Enjoy By” date on bag of broccoli, nice try.
Daisy: how are you
Gatsby: great
[Shopping with teen son]
*sees hot girl*
*waits until she gets close*
*grabs box of adult diapers*“How are you doing on Depends bud?”