For my next trick, I’ll be at a bar then magically reappear face down on my bedroom floor without a clue how I got there.
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Curiosity gave the cat slightly high blood pressure but nothing to be concerned about.
I was watching a show for about 10 minutes, and this lady was listing all of these great things to do for fun. Then I realized that it’s one of the religious channels, and she was reading a list of sins
[job int]
“Under skills u put ‘not being afraid of pigeons’.”
[nervously shifts in chair]
“That’s right. Why? Do any pigeons work here?”
Whoever said “out of sight out of mind” never lost a spider in the bedroom.
[planning a heist]
Guy: it’s gonna be an inside job
Me, hates going outside: nice
I pointed out to my wife that she left the front door unlocked last night, and she’s now providing me with a helpful chronological history of every stupid thing I’ve done.
Welcome to Netflix. We have every movie but the one you actually want to watch.
You can usually tell which duck is the cop because he has a mustache and a gun.
BRB gotta call my immigrant parents they can’t dogsit anymore
I’m sorry I don’t speak any English
-me when someone starts talking to me
them: Why don’t you think about what you’re doing?
me: lolz
*turns up to a yoga class in full Master Yoda costume*
“Oh dear. Misread the flyer, I have.”
Lady Gaga: rah rah ah ah ah rom mah ro mah mah
Shaggy *wiping tears at Scooby’s funeral* beautiful
[God making a planet for the first time and just constantly screwing things up]
Ugh, first world problems.
I love rap beefs, it’s so romantic when two guys sing songs to each other
3-year-old: Daddy, I don’t want hair that looks like yours.
Me: What does my hair look like?
3: Like stupid.
She gets her tact from me.
Me: Your shoes are on the wrong feet baby girl
2: *starts crying* These are my only feet!
Lou Read is the name of my favourite musician and also the book I keep in the toilet
Just did the math and found out I can retire next year if I start saving $144,468.02 a month.
Trapped on a train in the snow, and honestly, none of these people look appetizing.
[Naming Days Meeting]
Guy 1: We need a name for the last one.
Guy Who Named Wednesday: Sudnaday?
Guy 1: Not one more goddamn word, Barry.
superman: nice car does it have gps
batman: no
superman: then how do you know where you’re going
batman: *starts screaming*
“WHY ARE YOU RIPPING OUT ALL OF YOUR FUR?!!”
-my dog, when I wax
RIVERS WILL RUN RED WITH THE BLOOD OF MY ENEMIES & ALL WHO PLOTTED AGAINST ME WILL KNOW A FEAR-oh never mind my keys were in my other pocket
I have this odd feeling that I’m going to be that crazy old lady that yells at everyone to get off the lawn.
From my apartment balcony.
I have an admission that will shock some people. It’s not something I’m proud of and I hope I’ll be given a little grace, but I’ll understand if not.
Here goes….
My hips have lied. Like…a lot.
You can choose to ignore a diarrhea joke, but you can’t outrun it.
The elites don’t want you to know this but the ducks at the park are free you can take them home I have 458 ducks
Unfortunately a recent breakthrough in therapy means I must say goodbye to my comfort swords, my acceptance machete, and my protection bomb.