Lou Read is the name of my favourite musician and also the book I keep in the toilet
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Kids love retelling stories about times they threw up
My toddler had a meltdown at bedtime because her pajamas were “too comfortable.”
It’s a rough life.
*Throws Pizza party
*B.Y.O.Pizza
*Gather All the pizza’s
*Kicks everyone out.
When I die I want to come back as a ghost to haunt my adult children’s houses, just passive-aggressively turning off lights they’ve left on and pointedly moving their shoes to the shoe cabinet, just heavily sighing the whole time
All my personalities waiting to see who gets to be in charge today
The Canadian military is just a guy named Ross with a flare gun in an aluminum boat.
“This is BULLSHIT” – enthusiastic manure salesman
If I’ve learned one thing in my almost-34-years of life on this planet, it’s that there is absolutely no dignified way to eat a yolky fried egg sandwich.
My favorite machine at the gym is the water fountain.
you: let’s get this bread
j.d. salinger, an intellectual: let’s catch this rye
(my first day as a transformer)
optimus prime: Transformers, roll out!
Me:*transforms into hotdog cart* CAN I GET A PUSH HERE
when people say “I have two awesome kids” I always wonder how many they have total
My husband told me I cheated on him in his dream.
The best response was not “Was he hot?”
I know this now.
All of my tattoos mean something. For example, the Chumbawamba lyrics on my rib cage mean I don’t drink tequila anymore.
My kids are running around the house with animal plushies and figurines making the wildest noises, and when I asked what they were playing, they said, “RABIES.” Oh, okay.
My 3-yr-old just found a moldy hot dog in the sofa cushions and ate it.
I know I should be horrified, but I’m actually relieved because now I don’t have to make her supper.
Website: You can’t use your last 5 passwords
Me: Stop flexing that you have a better memory than I have.
Me: Time to relax and get into bed!
The Internet: Wanna read something upsetting first?
Me: Yes, obviously.
I get that the mirror in my therapist’s office is symbolic for self-reflection.
But why is it on the ceiling?
And why is his couch a water bed?
You can’t always get what you want, but if you cry loud enough you’ll at least have the satisfaction of making everyone really uncomfortable
[guy at party who’s embarrassed that he’s allergic to cats] how funny would it be if we snorted a line of Zyrtec hahah
The best baby age is when they say “baby” when they see another baby as though they themselves are not in fact also a baby.
Whenever someone says “I don’t have a horse in that race” I respond with “You don’t have a horse at all, Reggie. You have a cat & diabetes.”
A really cute girl started working out next to me at the gym so i switched to super heavy weights to impress her someone please call an ambulance
Me: Dad gave me a sip of beer when I was 6 and I hated it. It was really effective in helping me to not rely on alcohol when dealing with my anger issues.
Prison Psychiatrist: you killed 8 people.
Me: yeah but I was super Zen about it
The main argument you always hear from football pundits is that Premier League matches should be decided by which team correctly answers the most questions about World War 1. Not me, though. I think it’s a bad idea and we should continue to use football as the deciding factor 👎.
*hears wife and son come home*
*suddenly remembers I was supposed to pick him up*
I just saw an article titled “Can We build a Real Jurassic Park?”
DID YOU FORGET WHAT HAPPENED IN THE MOVIE?!
“I’m a social activist. No seriously. I just changed my profile picture to a rainbow.” -everyone on Facebook
8yo: …
6yo: …
8yo: …
6yo: …
8yo: …
6yo: …
8yo: ….Punches 6yo in the face.
Me: Woah,what the hell was that for?
8yo: He knows.