Monopoly made me believe there would more bank errors in my favour as an adult.
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When I was little I asked God for a bike. He didn’t deliver so I stole a bike and asked for forgiveness instead.
(Creating Atheists)
God: Make some humans Sciencey
Angel: Will they believe in you?
God: No, but they’ll be so surprised when we meet!
You know you have a good therapist when he takes his shoes off, curls up in the chair with snacks and says, “next session is free, this story is too good.”
Meowchelangelo
I was stopped at a red light when I noticed the car next to me trying to play charades. I didn’t want to play, but I could tell they REALLY wanted me to get it! We all played our best game of charades. Got it before the green light. Turns out my lights weren’t on.
10yo: “I NEED my iPod!”
Me: “I’m sorry honey.”
10yo: “YOU DON’T UNDERSTAND!”
Me: “You’re right sweetie. Mommy played w rocks when I was 10.”
It’s important to be comfortable in your own skin…
Because, apparently, it’s illegal to wear someone else’s.
[Safari]
“Remember, when you’re near water beware of wild hippos.”Don’t worry, I’m prepared for that.
*shows handful of white marbles*
My daughter: I know everything
Me: What’s the capital of brazil?
My daughter: that’s a secret
Coworker: Are you into heavy metal?
Me: Uranium is OK I guess.
C:
M:
C:
M:
C: I like Metallica.
That’s not even on the periodic table
My boss at the cheese factory wants to make “cheddar juice” by having us mix orange food coloring into the leftover byproduct. We’ve gotta make a decision: leave tonight or dye this whey.
Me high af: are you in line?
Mannequin:
I just want a stalker that will power wash my deck while I’m at work
I fell asleep listening to the Red Hot Chili Peppers and woke up illiterate.
*kid sits down*
Sorting Hat: HUFFLEPUFF*another kid*
Sorting Hat: GRYFFINDOR*me*
Sorting Hat: THERAPY
Girlfriend: I think we should spend some time apart from each other.
Me: Hiatus?
Girlfriend: I hate us too.
When I was 8, I was so inspired by Barney Miller that I went door to door in a trenchcoat handing out JJ Piggs, Kid Detective, business cards I made out of scrap paper.
I must have written down the wrong number though because no one ever called me.
People are going to get tired of these AI chatbots, because nobody likes a know-it-all.
Cop: license and registration
Me: that won’t be necessary officer
*places a glazed donut in his pocket
Bruce Wayne’s poop is not only crazy, it’s batshit
Oh, you’re about to earn your 3rd master’s degree? I’m still working on spelling “bananas” without singing “Hollaback Girl” in my head.
Nobody:
Midwesterners: why would I fly when it’s only a 14 hour drive?
I have boogers but they are too big for these holes.
-my 5 yo on blowing his nose.
What I say: “Agree to disagree”
What I really mean: “You are dumb and I will allow you to stay that way”
Food FACT: Omelette takeaway restaurants were very popular in biblical times. The most famous of these was called Judas Eggscarryout.
To be honest, the only thing I really like about being a grownup is getting to eat a Popsicle right after I finish eating a Popsicle.
Nothing like 2 big dogs chasing your dog to get in some extra cardio
[lumberjack interview]
BOSS: I’m gonna “axe” you a few questions. Haha do you get it?
ME: Yeah I “saw” that coming
BOSS: Ooo welcome aboard!
ignored emails coming back to bite me call that “night of the unread”