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ADHD is being excited to have a looming deadline because it means it’s actually going to be easy to start your work today.
I guess if macaroni had to be named after a body part, elbow was better than some other options.
Not fat, but not super thin either. I’m more like…what’s the word? Oh, I know. Terrifying.
11yos doing remote school be like, help me with this, no not like that, no not like that either, ugh forget it I’ll do it myself, seriously it’s fine I’ll figure it out, ughhh you’re so annoying just leeeeeave, wait I need help come back
Everybody: Pink starbursts are the best starbursts
Starburst Corporate: What I’m hearing is that the bag should be half yellow starbursts
Him: I eat healthily
Me who has just learned the word ditto and can’t wait to use it: say something else
GET LOST THIS DUMPSTER ONLY SLEEPS ONE
When God invented snakes he was like do you want legs or do you want to look like a scary belt, too late scary belt
How many Mexicans does it take to change a light bulb? Just Juan.
Marriage and prison are pretty much the same except in prison. sex with multiple partners is guilt free.
Insomnia: she’s not going to sleep again and it’s all your fault
Coffee: she likes me strong and takes me late at night
Me: can you two stop talking about me like I’m not right here
Hellocination: when you wave at someone thinking they waved at you, but they were waving to someone else.
boss: can you fit me into your schedule
me: schMEdule
FRIEND: Make sure you walk her to her car
[hours later after date]
HER: It’s been 18 miles
ME: I insist
HER: But you drove both of us
[watching basketball highlights] These guys never miss
Japan’s theme parks have banned screaming on roller coasters because it spreads coronavirus. “Please scream inside your heart.”
None for me. I’ll eat when I’m dead
“You don’t understand how that saying works, do you?”
I’ll understand how the saying works when I’m dead
Why do they call it sweeping the leg and not defeeting your opponent?
BREAKING: Hobbit director Peter Jackson’s next huge undertaking to be 3-part movie series of The Cheesecake Factory menu.
[in bed]
Husband: *gentle nudge* Hey…
Me: *removes ear plugs*
*removes sleeping mask*
*removes snoring strip*
*removes mouth guard*
Hey…
Husband: *sleeping*
WIFE: Honey? why is there a deer in the living room wearing your clothes? HONEY?
[Cut to me running naked through the moonlit forest]
some people have asked how long the park is closed when someone is eaten. i mean for the person eaten it’s closed forever haha… but for everyone else no closures
A piece of bacon fell on the heating element when I was taking it out of the oven and I saved it without a moment’s hesitation. So that rush of adrenaline that gives parents the strength to lift a car off their kid?
I get it.
Before you refer to someone as your ex, make sure they know you dated.
[first day in prison]
ME: so whatcha in for?
HUGE CELLMATE [menacingly]: beating up nerds who ask too many questions
ME: how many is too many?
HUGE CELLMATE: one
ME: oh no
[zombies eating me]
Zombie 1: does he taste funny to you?
Zombie 2: no, he tastes like he’s trying too hard
When one door closes, a child soon appears, knocking, asking for a snack.
kids are oblivious to everything but let ‘em find a takeout bag in the trash: WHEN DID YOU GO TO MCDONALDS??????????
Every time I see a sign that says “Right lane ends,” I’m like, so does everything else, deal with it
What’s the point of making people like Paul McCartney and Elton John knights if they’re not going to joust?