This is now my favourite pie chart ever.
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Jeez, you do a Satanic voice into a baby monitor one time and your neighbors never invite you over again.
It’s so annoying when they tell you to reset the modem like, do you think I would call you if I knew which one was the modem?
When walking on the beach with someone, I like to pretend that I’m the ocean’s lawyer. “Sorry, I have to take this,” I say holding a seashell to my ear. “It’s my best client.”
therapist: according to your wife you only say rude words
me: rude words
therapist: yes
me: rude words
therapist: i see
I’m like a Picasso. You’re not sure quite what’s going on with me, but something definitely isn’t right.
“I’m gonna sleep in tomorrow.”
Every child ever: No you’re not.
police sketch artist: you sure his ears were this long
me: i thought we were doing a silly one
Guy Who Invented Figurative Speech: I’ve got something that’ll blow your minds.
Townspeople: *fleeing in abject terror*
If being sexy is a crime then I’m not committing one.
my 10 year old is a school safety and he instructed the 5 year olds where to stand to wait for the bus and one turned to him and said “you’re not my dad!” and another immediately yelled “burrrrrrn!!”
i don’t think we are even close to prepared for this next generation
scenes of unspeakable carnage
My 8yo daughter said people are hoarding toilet paper so they can hug it and use it as a stress reliever, and my 6yo son said that it’s more likely they’re all making forts out of toilet paper to protect them from COVID-19. Idk… forts, probably.
Jesus: Welcome to my summer party
[Jesus puts finger in the pool and turns it into wine]
Apostles: awwww YEAHHHH
Judas: Merlot? Seriously???
Boss: You gonna get any work done today?
Me: Sorry Boss, I was up late watching the game, I’ll pick it up.
B: Who won?
M: Jack Daniels
People who spend their lives complaining how other people are doing nothing productive for society are doing nothing productive for society.
Why do moths eat sweaters? Have they tried sandwiches or avocados
A near death experience but it’s just me waiting for my 7yo to pick out a souvenir
Listening to the snow getting plowed outside my window and so jealous
GF: I’m leaving you
Me: WHAT? WHY?
GF: You’re too afraid to take risks
Me: [Softening Doritos under a tap before eating them] THATS BULLSHIT
nothing more Los Angeles than an earthquake getting jealous of the publicity the hurricane is getting
Once a guy came to our door with an educational book-selling MLM. He tried to get my husband by asking “do you even know why a flamingo is pink?” And I guess the guy hadn’t anticipated running into a man raised on zoboomafoo because he walked away defeated.
My lunch consisted of taste-testing 30 opened bags of chips in the pantry for freshness.
[runs to the door to greet wife]
I’m afraid there’s been a terrible accident involving all the things you asked me to do today.
If I learned just one thing as a parent, it’s that by the 3rd kid they can be juggling samurai swords and hand grenades and you won’t care as long as they’re doing it quietly.
I said to my 5yo that I thought he was going to help mommy with the shopping and he said “well that would be nice but I don’t really want to” so there’s proof that honesty isn’t always the best policy
[notice son’s not home]
[text]
Me: IT’S AFTER MIDNIGHT! I SAID HOME BY 11!
17: You were my ride.
Me: Oh. Where are you again?
Friends don’t take videos of friends playing drunk Twister in positions that only gynecologists should ever see.
Because I’m on diet, I only ate half of a donut and saved the other half for 2 minutes later.
[Watching the Food Network]
Me: She made THAT with those 3 ingredients? That’s DISGUSTING!
Also me: *dips cornbread in pickle juice*
Samantha from Facebook wants everyone to know she & her family are going on a cruise next week just in case you want to break into her house