[Whoville]
Neighbor: Man the Grinch sucks
Me: Yeah he’s kinda grumpy I guess
Neighbor: Nah man he’s a real piece of shit
Me: Seems harsh
Neighbor: *pulls out tuba* I wrote a song about how much I hate him
Me: Ok this is starting to feel like bullying
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me: well it’s technically the bride of frankenstein’s monster
hostage negotiator: we should get back on topic
Writing some Valentines, do girls prefer to be called “slick” or “chief”???
I like for my resolutions to be attainable so this year I resolve that I will neither become the pope nor will I become a cannibal.
Someone please help me convince my boyfriend to hire people to paint the inside of his house instead of doing it ourselves we’re only 80% of the way through one room and I’m already thinking about how I can fake my own death and move to an island until it’s over
Dating is easy. You just *goes into fetal position*
“Doctor, doctor, I think I’m turning into a terrible pushy parent”
“Daddy, why do you keep calling me ‘doctor’?”
If I were Noah, I’d bring 3 of every animal just to create some drama.
Must. Not. Reply. To. That. Rhetorical. Question, Ahhh.
Ok, the temptation passed. You’re safe.
Make sure you don’t forget the ‘R’ when you’re Googling, “movies of Gary Oldman.”
How many calories does an ice cream headache burn?
*switches the place cards so I’m sitting next to the mashed potatoes*
Wife: “Bad day?”
Me: “Stupidhead boss treats me like a kid.”
Wife: “Now now *pats head* eat your nuggets before they get cold.”
You want me to make something homemade?? Girl I can’t even make my own serotonin.
that moment when your spouse asks if you’re listening and yes is not the right answer but no is also not the right answer
Our system is shit. I’m 24 and only have two years left on my moms health insurance. Then, I have to find a new mother
*animal dies in a movie*
this is the saddest thing I’ve ever seen*robot dies in a movie*
omg why am I crying it’s just a robot*human dies in a movie*
yes yes kill them all
“Hey can you take our picture?”
ME: yea sure
*takes picture*
ME: wait sorry, The Flash was turned on
THE FLASH: *blushing in the background*
Someone once told me I can’t say I hate camping if I’ve never been camping but I’ve never been stabbed in the eye and I can say with 100% certainty I would hate it so how’s this any different
These aliens are smart. They only appear to people who don’t know how to operate a camera.
Therapist: would you say you’re making time for self-care as a stay at home mom?
Me: yesterday I didn’t realize my pants were on inside out until lunchtime.
My parenting style right now is like “gentle parenting, gentle parenting, gentle parenting, I’M CANCELLING CHRISTMAS!!!, gentle parenting, gentle parenting…”
Wife: I think the washer went out
Me: What time will it be back?
Wife: Please get my suitcase
The most realistic thing about Stranger Things is how much time kids in the 80s spent without parental supervision.
Don’t fall in love with your therapist they are crazier than you are.
[Star Trek: The Next Generation)
Picard: Why are they firing at us?
Troi [an empath]: I sense hostility.
Just saw IT. Cool movie, but I gotta ask: what was up with that clown?? Killing kids? Not good.
WIFE: It’s your turn to change the baby.
ME: Ugh fine.
[later]
WIFE: Why does our baby have a septum piercing?
ME: His name is torch now.
[last supper]
“Wine!” exclaims Jesus touching everyone’s water glasses. “Wine, wine, wine [arrives at Judas] Mountain Dew lol.”
Social media allows me to review all my mistakes in chronological order…with pictures.
If I was a police sketch artist I would be like “is this the guy?” And they would be like “nope that’s a barn” because I can only draw barns