Wife: I think the washer went out
Me: What time will it be back?
Wife: Please get my suitcase
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When one door closes another one opens. I should really get this cabinet fixed.
It’s like we’re living in the Dark Ages.
*takes off sunglasses*
Oh.
I’ve stepped on a Lego before so I’m calling bullshit on Godzilla and King Kong being that difficult to take down
Husband: *choking on a Dorito*
Me: Wait. When did we get Doritos?
DOG BOSS: Any messages for me?
DOG ASSISTANT: just one from Mr. Agoodboy
DOG BOSS: who’s Agoodboy?
DOG ASSISTANT: *tail starts wagging*
Explained to my 9 yo how programming works:
1. You have something you want to do.
2. You write code to do it.
3. The code doesn’t work.
4. You fix the mistakes.
5. When the program works, you realize your idea was wrong.
6. You fix the idea.
7. Goto 2.
I love when shows have cops escaping jail to finish solving a murder like you broke out to go back to work 😭
A peacock is just a chicken made by Versace.
“Over my dead body” doesn’t mean “no.” It means I get to do what I want and as a bonus I get to kill you.
My nudes are like fruitcake. Nobody likes them but I send them anyway.
jingle bell.
jingle bell.
jingle bell.
rock.– looking for shells on the north pole beach
We need to take better care of the ocean because terrifying things live down there & if we destroy their home, they are going to come into ours. If you think traffic is bad now, wait until Cthulhu is sitting in the middle of the highway trying to eat a school bus.
Magician: I can make anything disappear
Tom: *holding cup* do it to my tea
Magician: *waves hand* done
om: *holding cup* it didn’t work
I like to send homemade gifts to people.
Which one of my kids do you want?
“I have a coupon for a large 2 topping”
“What toppings?”
“Pepperoni & a small cheese pizza”
“Sir you can’t top a pizza with a smaller pizza”
Son, when I was your age…I moved from New Jersey to California and met this old man that taught me karate so I could defend myself against bullies and enter the All Valley Karate Tournament.
Son: That wasn’t you
me: so i have an attention deficit.
psychologist: yes.
me: so i need to get more attention
psychologist: no.
I’m not afraid to go to prison I really need a vacation
I was trying to give my wife the silent treatment, but then she asked what I wanted from McDonald’s
I have a place for everything. The floor.
My kids used to get so mad at me for not picking them up after school. But, good mothers don’t drink and drive.
Mazda’s marketing slogan is “We Build Mazdas.” They decided on it after rejecting others like: “Mazdas Are Cars” and “Buy Mazdas With Money”
This is painfully accurate 😅
It’s hard to take my lawyer seriously when his Peppa Pig mask is upside down
Loan officer: What’s your social?
Me: Mostly Twitter, sometimes Facebook when I want to see what my friends and family are fighting about.
I installed a bike rack on my car so my neighbors think I do something else besides drink.
Airbud being shut down by the oppositions new defender, the vacuum.
Me: It’s not often that a single guy like me gets a home cooked meal.
Her: Why don’t you get married?
Me: I’ve never been that hungry.
me: i’d love to go out with u but i am 198,000 bells in debt
bf: ur what
me: that raccoon drives a hard bargain ok
bf: the what
me: nook. he built me a house and pretty much all the residents rely on me and—
bf: wh—
me: —basically what i’m saying is i’m busy