“Speak softly and carry a big stick.” — Teddy Roosevelt
“Yell loudly and talk about the size of your stick.” — Donald Trump
You Might Also Like
Ten days without sweets and I’ve already blocked 2367 people.
This day sucked so bad I had to stop by the liquor store on my way to the bar.
Idea: “Celebrity Price Is Right” where Gwyneth Paltrow guesses that loaves of bread cost $460
I sleep with a knife under my pillow just in case someone breaks in my house with cake.
can’t wait for 65 million years after we’re extinct and whatever race is in charge makes human-shaped chicken nuggets
HER: I’m ending this
ME: why?
HER: you’re way too literal
ME: I promise I can change
HER: prove it
ME: *puts on a different shirt*
I’m a 4 in America, but in Germany I’m a solid nein.
This is what every Twitter trending topic looks like to me now
STEVE MILLER: some people call me the space cowboy
ME: dude we only did that once and we all really really regret it
In high school we had a thing called Ethics Day put on by Chick-Fil-A where they would give out coupons for free chicken sandwiches. My friends and I found the book of all the coupons and stole it. The devils of Ethics Day.
ME: *pleased* Honey, I folded the dishes.
WIFE:
M:
W: The laundry.
M: No the dish…
W:
M:
W: What?
M: We need new dishes.
Just had my biannual teeth cleaning like some barn animal.
I bet the Sorting Hat ceremony is really fascinating at first and then he starts taking his sweet time on the eleventh kid and you realize there’s 200 more and you’re not allowed to look at your phone.
Me: *spits soup into bucket*
Chef: This isn’t that kind of tasting.
Please end your conference calls on time. You have no idea who is suffering and needs to go to the bathroom. your question can wait brenda
– “It Wasn’t Me” plays on radio
10: why were they naked banging on the bathroom floor?
Me:
10:
Me: a robber came, took all their clothes then locked them in the bathroom and they were trying to alert people to their situation
10: weird
Me: so weird
10:
Me:
10: cool
Me: cool
“Kids are great when you need help around the house.”
– People who don’t have kids
Widow: I remember how he always drank eight glasses of water a day
Guy at crematorium across town: WHY ISN’T THIS GUY BURNING
I still have a landline. Or as I like to call it, Cell Phone Finder.
Me: *slides note to bank teller*
Bank Teller: So….you’re not robbing us, you just want to take a selfie with “mad cash” on your face?
Surgeon: I’ll be taking out your appendix today
Me: [stomach rumbles]
Surgeon: [puts stethoscope to my tummy]
Appendix: I have a boyfriend
I’m enjoying a run through the sprinkler, but everyone else “smells smoke” and “thinks we should leave the conference room”
“They say some of history’s greatest minds could function on very little sleep” I explain to squirrel as I water the car at 4am
You have your whole life ahead of you. They threatened
Mosquitoes be like “I know a spot” and then bite me in on that one part of my back I can’t reach
[me giving my friend who owes me $12 a tarot reading] oh wow. okay. the tower. in the tarot this is traditionally the symbol for you owing me $12
[at fancy-dress party shouting over all the barking]
“YOU NEED TO LEAVE”
me dressed as a giant vacuum cleaner: “I DIDNT KNOW YOU HAD 6 DOGS”
Terribly Tuesday.
I don’t even want to know why.
Now that it’s fall, I’m considering encouraging my wife to find a boyfriend so I get some free hoodies.
I know I couldn’t handle being in a position of power because when I’m the banker in Monopoly I steal money