STEVE MILLER: some people call me the space cowboy
ME: dude we only did that once and we all really really regret it
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Nobody in this grocery store thinks I’m a good bowler. Also, clean up in aisle four.
Interviewer: what did you bring to the table
Me: in my last job I brought a lot of enthusia-
Interviewer: no what did you just put on my desk
Me: u mean my toad
[colonizing Mars]
M:a:r:s
guy inventing constellations: see that square? it’s a fish
this is ur captain. sory for descending thru another cloud but ralph told me it was posible to land on one of these things so we keep trying
Cleaned out my closet and found Narnia. I should check on these folks more often, their political and social infrastructure is in shambles
I asked him about his weekend, but apparently what happens in vagueness, stays in vagueness.
1. Lemon
2. Ice
3. MeThings my wife doesn’t want in cider
Me: *twenty four inch chunk of rebar sticking out of my head*
Doctor: What brings you in today?
[on knees]
“Oh God… please make this hangover go away.”
[from heavens]
“Due to the Saint Patrick’s Day holiday, we are experiencing abnormally high call volumes. Please hold, and God will answer your prayers in the order in which they were received.”
In rest homes, when lovers have spats, do they key each other’s walkers???
Pro tip:
Don’t drop the remote on your wife’s face when she falls asleep in your lap
Find someone who looks at you like Roger looks at a barbecue.
So Nickelback is playing a flood relief concert for Alberta. Like those folks haven’t suffered enough.
I wonder what ppl in the year 78 BC thought C stood for.
Seeing a bicycle cop is like seeing a snake wearing a lil top hat. Like I know you’re dangerous but c’mon, look at you lol
Ever wonder what it’s like to work with the public?
Bee: *vomits* oh man, I don’t feel so good *vomits again*
Beekeeper: *reaches into beehive* sweet
Bee: oh hey Jerry, bad time I don’t feel gre- OH GOOD LORD WTF ARE YOU DOING?
*opens present
HER: What is this?
ME: It’s The One Ring. I fought orcs for it.
HER: They didn’t have that Michael Kors bag I showed you?
WIFE: Oh darn I have a loose thread on my sweater.
ME: (waiting for the right time to tell her I bought a sword) Allow me m’ lady.
‘I murder drifters and use their hair to make little dolls. Oh, you meant at work! My biggest weakness is that I’m a perfectionist.’
alladin: do u trust me
jasmine: i’ve only known you for 2 hours
a: so u don’t wanna jump off this rooftop
j: lemme ask my tiger first
I saw an owl. He stared at me and didn’t fly away. I stared at him and didn’t fly away either.
I just finished cleaning the house for Thanksgiving, so if you’re looking for my family they’ll be in the backyard until Thursday.
Chess says everything about men & women. The King has to take things one step at a time, while the Queen can do whatever the hell she wants.
Murphy does not need a real egg to feel accomplished!!He’s quite content with his rock, and VERY protective of it! After his spring hormones have run their course, he will get bored and move on to other activities. Poor rock.
[Spider sits at computer and Googles probability of being eaten by human in his lifetime] Holy shit Sharon, COME SEE THIS
Hey Young Girls, when a first date suggests you two go to “your place”, take him to Target.
How enormous was the spider I just found in my bathtub? It put down its Kindle, grabbed a nearby towel, and muttered, “Does nobody in this house knock?”
How wrong was this guy?