Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Why does my mustard bottle insist on peeing in my sandwich before dispensing my mustard?

I’m a carb girl, born and bread

here’s my dating advice. Take your date to go-karts. everyone loves go-karts. I just solved your life. you’re welcome

My son got this balloon on Valentine’s Day. He accidentally let go & it floated to the ceiling. Days later it was still up there. I said, “be patient, it will come down” but he didn’t believe me. “If it comes down I get an iPad!” he said. I agreed. Then I glued it to the ceiling.

[being carried out of the zoo on a stretcher] not all hyenas are scared of the name Mufasa, I know this now

Me:*spends 4hrs comparing gift prices on several sites to save $4*

Also Me: *spends $33 on pizza because I shopped too long to cook $6 chicken*

T H E K I _ _ _ P P E R

Taking a DNA sample from the kidnapper.

Protect your Twitter account from plagiarism by only tweeting things that nobody cares about.

LIFE HACK: eat a cookie evry time u hav a good idea. this asociates idea w/ cookie. now evry time u eat a cookie u will think of a good idea

My kids: *arguing* MOM WHO IS YOUR FAVORITE KID

Me: Connor

Kids: The boy next door?

Me: Yep

Kids: We meant out of us

Me: Still Connor

therapist: *holds up inkblot test* what do u see

me: a therapist with no professional boundaries shoving their shitty art into my face

therapist: please take this seriously.

me: ok it’s a car

therapist: no it’s us holding hands :/

Me, since I was 5: I wish I had curly hair!!

Life: Okay, I’ll give her only one curly hair that’s gray and sticks straight up in her mid thirties.

Me, anytime I see someone with a dog in a stroller:
what’s wrong with your baby

every cat falls into one of the following categories:
• looks like it knows how to use a sword but refuses to teach you
• looks like it just finished eating an éclair

Once in college this guy was like ‘is it ok to do laundry if you don’t have enough for a full load?’ So I showed him the ‘small’ setting on the washer and he started it up, added soap and then a single pair of socks

Just grabbed milk, bread and coffee at the store and the cashier told me to have fun…

People: Coronavirus is the worst thing that could have happened in 2020.

Murder hornets: Hold my stinger.

People say ‘bullshit’ like their shit is so high and mighty.

If a mouse family ever stole my iPhone and used it as a flat screen TV then I’m okay with it as long as they’re happy.

Trolling my FB friends by commenting “Looking good ;)” on solo pics of their husbands

My toddler took a sip of my margarita and made an adorable pucker-face. She went back for a 2nd sip and giggled. After sips 3 & 4 she called her daycare friends to say she missed them. Things got ugly with sip 5 when she started blaming her stuffed animals for society’s problems.

There are 3 certainties in life
-death
-taxes
-anxiety anytime someone asks me what I’ve been up to

Him: Where’d you get that black eye?

Me: My girlfriend gave it to me.

Him: I thought your girlfriend was out of town.

Me: I did too…

If you can pin an animal in the petting zoo down for a three count, you get to take it home.

I cannot breath, walk, or bend over but DAYUM these skinny jeans look good.

[history times]
THE EARL OF SANDWICH: By placing the meat between two pieces of bread, one keeps one’s hands neat for playing cards

HIS COUSIN, THE DUKE OF HAT-WITH-TWO-CUPHOLDERS-AND-CRAZY-STRAWS: I also have an invention

me: before you hire me, you should know i take things

interviewer: like what?

me: time and care

interviewer: oh haha

me: also xanax, company money, and two-hour morning shits

*twirls fork through hair*

So, is it is really murder if you stab them when they stand between you and your cake?

Arguing with your parents is like trying to explain how to download music from iTunes to a plant.