Cleaned out my closet and found Narnia. I should check on these folks more often, their political and social infrastructure is in shambles
You Might Also Like
guy inventing constellations: see that square? it’s a fish
The only downside of hiring a maid is having to thoroughly clean the whole house the night before she comes so she “doesn’t think the place is a mess.”
my math may be off, but i think there are at least 2 million people at trader joe’s right now
It’s a bird. It’s a plane. It’s a pedestrian. Seriously, you’re hitting everything with your car.
“This just in..”
My foot to my mouth.
[drive thru]
GUY ON INTERCOM: can I help you
ME: yeah are you guys open
*on first date*
Did you know that wool sweaters are the closest you can legally come to being inside a sheep?
How often do I make chemistry jokes? Periodically.
I actually told one the other day. There was no reaction…
My family asked me what I wanted for Mother’s Day, so I packed their bags and changed the locks.
I bought some IKEA furniture and paid extra for delivery and set-up.
Next day, they dumped the box and a dead body in my yard. And called the cops.
Psychic: Bruce Willis was dead the entire time! I did not see that coming at all.
Me: I’d like my money back.
Me: I haven’t spoken to my mom in years. I do love her though.
Therapist: She isn’t going to live forever. You should call and tell her.
Me: You’re right…*dials number*
Mom, you’re going to die *hangs up*
wife: Would you ever want an open marriage?
me *messages every girl in my phone asking if they’d have sex with me* Umm *all respond no* Nah
In a dispute with my neighbour, I dumped a wash basin on his front lawn. If he thinks I’m apologising, he’s got another sink coming.
gonna make a bumper sticker for my car that says “MY KID IS SMARTER THAN YOU’RE KID” just to troll the grammar nazis behind me
*launders Kohls cash*
Before sprinting towards the elevator, ask yourself, “Am I hot enough to make them hold the door?”
70 percent of marriage after having kids is trying to keep the spark alive, even though that spark might want to sign a DNR.
The A string on my guit_r is flat
Everyone is always doing laundry
*changes name to laundry
URGENT! IF MY BOSS ASKS YOU IF IT’S REALLY “NATIONAL THROW YOUR COFFEE AT YOUR BOSS DAY” PLEASE SAY YES.
I’m starting to suspect the Christmas tradition of the kids cleaning the house for Santa while the parents nap is just something my parents made up.
The problem with the world today is that intelligent people are too smart to have children.
In movies guys are always like “ohh this girl’s so adorably clumsy. You can’t help falling in love with her” but in real life guys are always like “go home, Diane. You’re drunk.”
I walked into our bedroom and stepped on my wife’s bra
It was a boobie trap
[tightening roller skates]
“stop worrying about me mom, I’m in a very dangerous gang, but we are really fast”
Once your kid learns about the planet Uranus, you can bet uranus you’ll be hearing uranus puns for months.
*after five days of storms with record rainfall remembers to turn off sprinkler system*
*grass dies due to lack of water*
Wife: You’ve been a naughty boy…
Me: Yes I have!
Wife: *Removes mask to reveal she is actually Santa*
Me: NOOOOOOOOOOO
I’m a self-made hundredaire