me: technically, they’re magma lamps until you crack them open and pour the lamp sauce out, then it becomes lava
doctor: no I meant thoughts about your treatment plan
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Tired of not knowing if I should swipe my credit card, insert the chip or punch myself in the face.
Dear Britain,
This Brexit vote is all wrong
If you want to leave the EU, dump some tea in the harbor and fight a war.
Sincerely,
America
“Mega Shark vs Giant Octopus” is on, followed by “Mega Shark vs Crocasaurus”. Nice job, SyFy. Way to GIVE AWAY THAT GIANT OCTOPUS LOSES.
I’d be so much more successful if some of my ancestors had just married better.
One nice thing about your 30s is people talk less about figuring themselves out and more about where the best sandwiches are.
he died doing what he loved: trying to put socks on with wet feet while standing next to a cliff
the saddest part about self driving cars will be all the times people die mid trip and then ur dinner guests or pizza guy will arrive dead
Ladies, why y’all do this?
So sick of all these stupid rules
me: can I get 20 nuggets and–
priest: this is a confessional, not a drive-thru
me: oh *sign of the cross* I confess I would like 20 nuggets and a large Sprite
Most computer problems stem from the lack of a fatherboard.
No? Ok, I’ll show myself out.
I imagine the hardest part about being vegan is getting up before sunrise to milk all of those almonds.
Any man that dates me better have my beer ready when I get home like my cats do
[my first day as a 911 operator]
*eating peanut butter with a spoon* 911 wath er mumergy
ME: *cracking open a 6-pack*
FRIEND: Is that… pudding?
me: I’ve finally reached the tipping point
waitress: oh thank god!
I got new neighbors today, I hope they like my music as much as the last 9 families did.
Just think, there is coming an entire generation of idiots who will wonder: “Why did they have a hashtag button on landline phones?”
Just hear me out, a blood oath, but with melted cheese.
Ladies, if he can’t appreciate fruit jokes…
… you need to let that mango.
[FIRST DATE]
HER: I love babies.
ME *to waiter*: She’ll have the veal.
i was just roughed up by a hipster bully. he gave me a knuckle sandwich, but also offered a gluten free alternative
Weird; People in my office have started naming the food in the company fridge. Today I ate a tuna sandwich named Kevin.
Video Games in the 80s: Run! Jump! Eat this flower! Collect the coins!
Video Games Now: You are a broken man, haunted by the choices you’ve made. You do not fear the sweet embrace of death, but you still have unfinished business.
6-year-old: I’m not cleaning my room.
Me: I don’t like your tone.
6: What does “tone” mean?
Me: I don’t like your voice.
6: *weird Kermit the Frog voice* I’m not cleaning my room.
A robot steals your job. It hurts, but that’s how the economy works. Nothing personal. The robot starts texting your wife.
Me: we’re having toad in the hole for breakfast
Pet toad: WHAT
(To the pilot as I’m getting off the plane) Yeah right here is good.
Me: I’ve completed a psychological profile on myself.
Brain: What have we learned?
Me: I need to stop talking to myself or wear a Bluetooth device on my walks.
Brain: Will this help to keep people from staring at you?
Me: Maybe wear clothes too.
The age at which you can no longer comfortably sit in bleachers for extended periods of time will correspond directly to the age at which your kid’s sport will require you to.