me: I’ve finally reached the tipping point
waitress: oh thank god!
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My kid’s latest report card looks like someone with a stutter is trying to swear.
Scooby and the Gang *continually shocked when a regular dude turns out to be a monster*
Me: same
When bagging my groceries make sure to keep the radioactive bananas away from the mercury laden tuna.
That’s too much death in one bag.
Mongoose is French for “my goose.”
Me: I’m older and wider
Them: don’t you mean “wiser”
Me: nope
ME TO MY CAT: Now show them the word I taught you that means you have an ouchie.
MY CAT: me-ow
FRIENDS: ……you’re an idiot.
I NEED TO GET BACK TO THE OLD ME WHEN I HAD MY SHIT TOGETHER. I THINK I WAS 7.
Me: Ugh, I have nothing to wear
Me on laundry day: Why do I have so many clothes
“I’ll be back” –Arnold Schwarzenegger as getting into a 2-person horse costume
Giving someone the finger while driving used to mean a lot more when you had to manually roll your window down to do it
My crazy neighbor claims she was robbed last night. I know she is crazy because I found all her medication as I was breaking into her house.
For someone who doesn’t have any friends, I seem to ask a lot of questions for them.
candy corn tastes like it has already been chewed
Poor Charles. Imagine being 73 years old and getting your first job.
My 5yo woke up early this morning and was playing very quietly because he didn’t want to wake grandpa. I’d never seen anything like it! Apparently all my son needed to play quietly was an adult in the house that he respected.
Just ruined another 3yo’s life by failing to find a non existent toy they didn’t bring to school
The duality of toddlers:
Banana = Best food in the worldBanana with the peel pulled down just a little too far = Worst thing that’s ever happened. Like honestly, how dare you?
The reason I don’t like Facebook’s “memories” feature is because it shows me 6 years ago wearing the same shirt I have on right now.
I started off my new fitness regime this morning with a run. It isn’t the only mistake I’ve made this week, but it’s certainly the biggest.
On the other hand however, hospital food’s much tastier than I expected.
Jesus was actually killed by the FBI when he discovered birds weren’t real
*walking down street with friend*
Well, this is me.
*jumps in front of bus*
One of my buddies lost his right arm in a car accident which is a huge bummer, so much money wasted on tattoos
Dear Kelloggs,
Cereal that makes them go back to sleep.
Sincerely,
Tired parents
What’s the best way to remove a grass stain?
Alcohol?
I don’t see how getting drunk will help, but whatever.
God: You’re going to Earth to live as a human
Jesus: Can I drink?
God: Yes
Jesus: Can I get married and have kids?
God: No
Jesus: Can I have a man cave?
God: Eventually *winks at angel*
My favorite part of my husband working from home is that our 6YO critiques all his conference calls.
“I think you should say ‘don’t get me wrong’ instead of ‘let me be clear’ next time daddy, it just sounds better.”
My son was brushing the crumbs off the front of his pants into the trash can at a restaurant and the waitress, thinking he was peeing, told him he needed to go do that in the bathroom.
Look lady, my kid only pees outside, not in the trash like the good lord intended.
I hate it when they leave before I can make it awkward.
There’s a jar of candy on my kitchen counter and I only ate 32 pieces.
Shower me with praise for my ironclad willpower.