adulthood is a constant struggle between “i deserve a treat” and “there’s food at home”
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Why do blurry people always ask me if I’m drunk?
Why is it spelled camouflage and not
Your tweets are so boring the NSA just unfollowed you.
Me: You can be anything you want when you grow up
Son: I want to be a dinosaur
Me: I meant like a job. Like you could be president.
Son: I want to be the first dinosaur president
The most disappointing sentence in the human language is “This next song is off of our new album”.
Running from your problems is cardio .
What do we want?
An Iphone for fat fingers!
When do we want it?
BOW!
Told my kids I loved them at carpool and no one responded so I yelled, “I love you too!” while hanging out of the sunroof.
Me, 1
Kids, 0
When someone rings the doorbell I say to my kids, “I think it’s Santa Claus!” so I don’t have to get up.
You know how you have that ONE hoodie that no matter when or what you’re eating — you ALWAYS spill something on it? It’s cuz you’re a pig.
{keeps yelling HIT ME at a tarot card reading}
the Lord of the Rings is mostly a bunch of really old guys walking around telling some 40 year old Hobbits “yeah this place used to be really cool but it sucks now”
Most of being an adult is just trying to figure out where that bruise came from.
[guy in charge of naming superheroes]
Superman, next
Batman, next
Wonder Woman, next
Aquaman, next
*takes a hit of acid*
Green Lantern
Well, don’t ever let your pc feel that you’re in a hurry cos they’re gonna slow down more 😩
My arc would have been filled with wolves. I would have made a terrible Noah.
I’m not saying it’s hard for me to lose weight, I’m just saying if you interrupt me when I’m eating I’m starting over.
BOSS: Ok, so we’ve decided we’re definitely going to call our new product yogert. Has anyone got any thoughts on the spelling?
ROBHURT: yeh
Baking powder gets most stains out of carpets and upholstery. Does anybody know how to get baking powder out of carpets and upholstery?
The priest said that the demon really wants to leave, but I’m way too clingy, so the exorcism didn’t work.
HELLO, FIRST TIME CALLER, LONG TIME LISTENER, OCCASIONAL MURDERER.
[a commercial for tampons]
Hi babe I picked up the tampons you asked me for
“Screw you, you bastard!, I hate you”
Narrator: “Tampons”
Picture someone chasing down a ping pong ball that fell on the floor.
Ok that’s how I dance.
*rubs lamp*
*genie comes out*
You get 3 wishes. Just no wishing for more wishes.
“I wish for more genies.”
I SAID NO WI- oooh, you’re good.
me: please go clean your room
5: mom don’t yuck on my yums
me: who taught you that?
5: my teacher
me: …how do you feel about being a kindergarten dropout?
Space Cat: *furious as he knocks items off of a shelf and they just float in place, mocking him*
Know your sleep disorders!
Insomnia = Can’t sleep at home.
Outsomnia = Can’t sleep in public.
Upsomnia = Can’t sleep in a hot air balloon.
Downsomnia = Can’t sleep sealed up in your friend’s catacombs.
Twitter keeps throwing in “in case you missed it” on my timeline…. I’ve been on twitter for the last 16 hours, I didnt miss it.
Me: Did you use my highlighter?
2-year-old:
Me:
2:
Me:
2: No.
Apparently she’s always been neon yellow.