Know your sleep disorders!
Insomnia = Can’t sleep at home.
Outsomnia = Can’t sleep in public.
Upsomnia = Can’t sleep in a hot air balloon.
Downsomnia = Can’t sleep sealed up in your friend’s catacombs.
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Anyone to a designer: “looks weird”
Designer: “can you be more specific?”Designer to designer: “looks weird”
Other designer: “yeah, it does”
[Interview for the cucumber marketing board]
Me: Can we talk about salary?
Boss: Not if you want to keep your job
Not only has that ship sailed it has entered the Bermuda triangle
Crinkle cut fries. Ribbed for your pleasure.
Oh crap, this isn’t what I ordered… who has my foot-long sub?
me: what do we say if a stranger tries to give us candy?
5:
me:
5: we say thank you
18 asked me to explain osmosis so I told her it’s how she knows every 80’s soft hit.
Man’s guide for a selfie:
1) Squint your eyes like your cool
2) Look off into the distance
3) Put your phone down
4) Don’t take the selfie
My son’s impression of me is just him staring at his palm.
If a bear wears shoes and socks he still has bear feet.
Well, she was raised to refer to dinner as ‘supper’ so obviously it wasn’t going to work out in the end.
10 y/o daughter, pointing to the moles on her arm: “I kind of have a lot, oh wait, this one is just chocolate.”
Me: Has anyone ever told you that you look like Ryan Gosling?
Him: Me? No, but thank-
Me: Ok just making sure.
I put the “rad” into “gradual descent into madness”
No one has done the dishes for like a week so I finally did the responsible thing and bought some paper plates.
You want me to work for exposure? the thing that killed Marie Curie?
Me: I taught the dog to say the 7 deadly sins
Wife: No you didn’t
Dog: Ruff
Me: See, wrath!
Wife: He said ruff! You can’t teach a dog to
Dog: Gluttony
Wife: Holy shit
Show him you care by leaving the message “I see you” on his bathroom mirror.
Me: You haven’t fought with your sister in two whole days.
10yo: I know. We should send her to camp more often.
Her: Penny for your thoughts?
Me: Oh. I was just wondering if pears ever became sentient, do you think they’d have body image issues?
Her:
Me:
Her: Can I have my money back please?!
I’m pretty confident I can perform this Appendectomy on myself.
Thanks YouTube
On the last picture day I sent my kids to school in nice button up shirts thinking I had things covered but I just got the proofs which are all full body shots showing their sweatpants and dirty sneakers
My mama always said: “If you can’t say anything nice, try to mumble it under your breath…”
Put a picture of a random coworker on your desk to spice up the workplace
The problem with millennials is they were taught to look up to Pokemon not *struggles to think of a thing old people respect* Mussolini
I couldn’t afford Botox so I just stopped making facial expressions about 15 years ago
at the mcdonald’s self order kiosk selecting my order from behind my back like a guitar solo everyone is cheering someone just threw their bra
cop: do you know why i pulled you over
me: can you just shoot me please
When my ex worked out of town, he would take my vibrators away from me. Said I was cheating on him w/them. He shoulda taken his brother too.
Me: Are you gonna change your name after we get married?
Her: Yes
Me: What do you think of “Jessica Rabbit”?