at the mcdonald’s self order kiosk selecting my order from behind my back like a guitar solo everyone is cheering someone just threw their bra
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[job interview]
Me: Time travel
Boss: What is your biggest stren—WHAT?!
Is your wife buying too many shoes? Cut her feet off. There, done.
Wait… we’re supposed to be learning from our mistakes?!
I have a Chewbacca bathrobe and didn’t shave my legs so I’d have pants to match.
Halloween gig memory. Playing a nursing home. A lady in a wheelchair started inching forward; about two feet per song. She made it to the front of the stage, smiled and gestured for the microphone. I gave it to her. She yelled, as loud as she could, “GO HOOOOOOOME.” Show over!
Lego better be trying to cure child cancer with how much their shit cost.
If you only see one raccoon getting a marriage proposal today, make it this one.
[getting out my vuvuzela] anyway here’s wonderwall
Date: wanna get out of here?
Me: let me just tie my shoe *realizes i don’t know how to tie my shoes* how bout another round of spaghetti
Me: Describe your love for me in one word.
Him: My what?
Humidity is like heat if it suspected you were about to break up with it.
Wife: It’s sweltering in here. We need to get the AC fixed.
Me: Look at this gif, it’ll cool you down.
Wife: I forget, did you want to be buried or cremated?
My friend was complaining that when her husband gets dressed, he does sock, shoe, sock, shoe. What a weirdo! Everyone knows it’s sock, sock, shoe, shoe, pants.
Her: I think my boyfriend’s cheating.
Friend: Oh no! Why do you say that?
Her: He’s passing his exams but he never studies.
Coming Soon
Jason Statham is a reluctant thief with a heart of gold*cue explosion*
PUNCH McEXPLODEY CAR MAN
*fade to black*
My doctor says I only have one diabete.
me: there’s more than one way to skin a cat
my friend: w-why do u know that
me: ok so it’s a movie about a scientist who builds a zoo that contains prehistoric horses with long necks..
movie exec: i’m not sure that..
me: ..we’ll call it Giraffic Park
movie exec: ok first of all, i love it..
I just wanna be alone but I have all this internet access.
Free pizza at work got me like “Fine, I’ll come back on Monday”.
You’re in his DMs
I am wanted in 37 states for tax evasion
MOM: I don’t care how old you are, you’ll always be my baby
ME [being passed around by her friends to hold] ok but this is weird, I need to get to work
1991: Mom gently rocks you to sleep
2024: Mom doesn’t rock you to sleep anymoreAnyone else notice this?
Instead of voter fraud, why don’t they just call it Electile Dysfunction?
Just saw a WiFi name called “Hot Signals In Your Area” and honestly that’s iconic
Do they charge extra if you want to get a tattoo of an avocado?
that’s really how it is
It’s like my Uncle said, no body, no crime
Coworker: I only asked how your weekend was…
1day I’ll be thankful my daughter is an independent iron willed human w/an unrelenting strong voice,but not today, not in this grocery store