me: ok so it’s a movie about a scientist who builds a zoo that contains prehistoric horses with long necks..
movie exec: i’m not sure that..
me: ..we’ll call it Giraffic Park
movie exec: ok first of all, i love it..
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Pro: he does community service
Con: it’s court-mandated
My ex texted “You’ve got a friend in me. XoXo”.
I thought she was being too nice until I realized that she was talking about my buddy Dave.
REALTOR: what size home are you looking for?
OLD LADY WHO LIVED IN A SHOE: 11 , 11 1/2
One time in jail and I asked someone what her favorite cheese was and she said shredded.
No, babe. The first four alarms are just my commitment to the bit.
I really don’t get Astrology but I just hope my daughter stays a Virgo until she’s at least 18.
My 9yo drew a picture of me throwing away their drawings which, ironically, is going to be the one picture I save.
I am a man with convictions.
Mostly because I have a really terrible lawyer.
[cornerman sitting me down after the first round] ya gotta stop telling him you’re diabetic he doesn’t care
Why do people knock on a locked public restroom door? And what is the person inside to say? “who is it?”
[during sex]
him: Im so sorry. This literally never happens
[takes out telescope to watch comet]
WIFE: Your heavy drinking is making you delusional
ME: *turns to friend* Do you think that’s true?
WOLVERINE: Nah, don’t listen to her
FRIEND: haha she’s so cute—say it for him honey
HER TODDLER: the moon is cheeeeese
ME: well what have we here, a tiny liar
“Oh hell yes” – Schrödinger, reading the first line of A Tale of Two Cities
#Homeschooling Day 5:
Hung out in the teacher’s lounge until lunch. Snacks were awesome.
Now singing karaoke on the school announcement system.
We got this.
“Stop trying to give your words depth and gravitas by attributing them to a faraway old civilization.” – ancient Chinese proverb
Me: I could barely fit our trash into that blue bin
Wife: that’s our neighbor’s new Smart Car
The last 60+ Miss Universe pageant winners have been from earth I don’t know man, seems fixed.
I always ask for a receipt so I can keep them in my purse for 86 years.
My daughter just asked “if you’re waiting for the waiter, doesn’t that make you the waiter?”
Me:……….
Unless you want to be immortalized as a sloth don’t let someone take your picture after you eat 2 dozen wings
-Buddha
My wife has like 20% of a conversation in her head before she decides to bring me into it. We can be driving in silence and she’ll just be like “and then we’ll pick the kids up and go straight from there.”
Flex on your toddler when they piss you off by asking them what sound a giraffe makes
a fairly underrated BARBIE joke is when someone calls her a fascist, and when she’s crying about it she says, “I don’t control the railways!”
movies are BACK
Mama
I just killed a man
He complained about student debt
So I posted his loan they did forget
Them: “Dance like no one is watching.”
Me: *dances*
Them: “WTF is she doing? She knows we can see her, right?”
I’m just a girl, with a baseball bat, smashing my internet modem into a gazillion pieces.
this one time, I was able to rob a bank armed with nothing but a notebook filled with poetry I wrote in the 8th grade
Earth reviews
⭐☆☆☆☆
“The landscape is memorable but the human inhabitants are all shit”⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“They do amazing things with potatoes”