“Oh hell yes” – Schrödinger, reading the first line of A Tale of Two Cities
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Govt: How many dependents do you have?
Me: 7
Dependents: [dogs in baby clothes]
My six year old picked up a sweet potato fry and said, “Oh, I am going to eat these fries because I like all kinds of fries, even these disgusting ones!”
me: I’m stuck in my home with unlimited free time
my bookshelf: you can finally read all the books you’ve been meaning to read
me: absolutely not
Me: [sat in car]
Cop: u forget something? [Points at baby still on roof in his carrier]
Me: OMG yes [gets out & puts on his flying goggles]
the eight spiders I swallowed last year have woven together the microplastics inside me to create a tiny starship enterprise and are zooming towards my brain as we spe
Good Morning.
*Hires life coach*
“Ok, the first thing we have to do is get you off this couch and get you moving!”
*Fires life coach*
Who called it a washer repairman and a not a spin doctor?
In 5 more years people will be notified of their termination of employment via emoji.
Beatles albums are like “I’m going to give you one of the most soaring, emotional songs you’ve ever heard” and then the next track is like “doo doo doo! Mr Man and his Silly Hat went for a walk!”
Just accidentally swallowed some Listerine. Expecting a minty fresh poop in the near future.
gonna open a bar called “well, actually” and any time someone utters that phrase they have to buy everyone in the place a round of well shots
In a few years, when the kids leave home, the wife & I are planning to downsize to a smaller house. She’s told me I’ll need to significantly reduce my vinyl collection – so I’ve started buying up cheap records I don’t want so I can “sacrifice” them when the time comes.
Not to brag but growing up my boys thought a unanimous decision meant whatever mom wants.
and then you go like this
and then you go like this
and then you go like this– me on my own cooking show
Date: I’m looking for security
Me: I double knot my shoelaces
Date: but also excitement
Me: together
“Hey Babe, wake up. We’re back in Louisiana.”
*asks every guy at speed dating*
“Are you going to drink that?”
[blind date]
her: this is nice, i was worried you’d turn out to be weird or something
me: i lost my virginity on a ghost pirate ship
her: ah there it is
Idea: Like Google Glass, but a necklace or something that projects a website onto the face of the person talking to you.
It says here on your resume that you’re “good at traps,” could you expand on that while I investigate this pile of leaves on the floor?
I used to workout to get laid. Now its to impress whoever will be performing my autopsy.
Roses are red,
violets are blue,
this poem is overused,
just like your mum.
I went deep sea fishing once and caught what I thought was a marlin, but was actually a catfish with a party hat glued to its face.
kind of messed up that baby blue is a color
if your baby is blue ur doing a pretty bad job
Me: *Posing nude for the first time*
Photographer: Absolutely stunning, but inappropriate for your drivers license tbh
Hate to be nosey, people in the hallway, but you’re too effing loud and yes, that mole should be looked at.
I’m eating strawberries in the bath while watching a spider kill a ladybug. I feel like I’m in a silent French film about sex and death.
Cats don’t say YOLO they say YOLNT
It’s funny to me when a movie character takes a drink of hard liquor “to clear my head” or “so I can think straight,” like that isn’t the exact opposite of how alcohol works.