*asks every guy at speed dating*
“Are you going to drink that?”
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Autocorrect just changed faux pas to faux pasta and this gluten war has gotten out of hand.
I can relate to Eminem because I’m also a black man trapped in a white woman’s body.
i hate when guys cancel a date after i’ve already shaved and then i have to spend all that time gluing it back on
Hot waitresses give me anxiety. I don’t need some babe rolling up on me while I’m jamming food in my face.
[commercial for boiling water]
*enemies at castle wall are splashed with cool refreshing water*
castle guard: there must be a better way!
Stop calling women wild and fierce, unless they’ve bitten someone.
Every once and a while you come across a person full of zest for life, that person is the reason they invented chloroform.
Well, time to go to bed & remember that I started and abandoned a huge organizing project that involved putting a bunch of stuff on the bed.
Redheads are an endangered species, I think that every city should have a petting party for them at least once a week.
~quits job, buys RV
I’ve achieved absentee parent status by leaving my dog alone for 27 minutes
Pro tip:
If you really want to make an impact, always have a mouth full of saliva before you “shhh” someone.
ME: judging by this blood stain the murderer appears to have been a turkey
ACTUAL POLICE OFFICER: That’s a hand print
Saw Dune last night. Man, that is one sandy movie. Up there with the two sandiest movies of all time, Lawrence of Arabia and Grease.
If you’re wondering if toddlers are always listening, even though they’re never listening, 2B’s teacher stopped me today to let me know that instead of “thank you” she’s been saying “thanks, babe” for days.
Today, I realized that I am half-centaur.
My most favourite thing to do at work is leave.
Me: My dad must be rolling in his grave right now.
Friend: Why, do you think he’d be disappointed in you?
Me: No. I had him buried in a cement mixer. It was way cheaper than a casket.
Text: How come you stopped drinking?
Me: Because I kept waking up with you.
Her: I hate you.
Seagulls are the annoying drunk white girls of the bird community.
Eating marshmallow fluff to intimidate the ghost that lives in my apartment
if Wonka had a spaghetti factory I’d get sucked into a marinara river tube so fast
Occupational therapist: What is your favorite part of the newspaper?
Son: The end.
Hey Dads who think that being home with the kids alone is called “babysitting”. You’re wrong. It’s called “parenting”. Not the same.
My husband is blaming the cat for eating all the cookies and putting the empty package back in the cabinet. Ffs🙀
*breaks glass*
*pulls fire alarm*
[outside]
Great, now that you’re all here, I want to correct this impression in the office that I’m weird.
Got rid of all those dangerous Tide pods when I gave them away on Halloween.
THEM: where are you from
ME: canada
THEM: no, where are you FROM from
ME: ooohh…! canada
THEM: no, like what’s your background
ME: oooh…!
[shows them my phone background]
[restaurant]
ME: this chicken fried steak is terrible
WAITER: that’s probably because it was fried by a chicken
I’ve trapped dozens of birds and woodland creatures in my room but not one has helped me get dressed, and they’re just shitting everywhere.
Some lady at Olive Garden died, so we’re rummaging through her stuff. Just like a real family.