My grandmother’s name is so Italian you need both hands to pronounce it.
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DATE: I like your shirt.
ME: Well you can’t have it.
Everyone loves a picture of a good rack.
Me, hold a grudge? Never. I carry a battle axe at all times and settle any nonsense as it happens.
Because you crave something doesn’t mean it’s good for you. Every time my husband opens his mouth about politics I crave instant death.
I have almost 120,000 miles on my office chair.
Big fight with the husband, apparently there is a correct way to roll up a garden hose.
They did not miss in the small print
Are you happily married or did your husband “jokingly” make a beeping sound when you took 3 steps backwards?
People without kids should be happy their brain cells work in a fairly normal manner.
For example, I’ve recently looked for my cellphone under the couch…using the flashlight on my cellphone.
[hot air balloon ride]
DAD: *kicks basket* how many miles you get in this thing?
I’ll never understand why the guy that invented braille didn’t just put the dots in shape of the actual letters.
Male penguins travel 50 miles by foot in subzero temperatures to mate but ok, thanks for these flowers I guess
I started running today. Also, there is a new mean dog in the neighborhood that interrupted my walk today.
10: Can we go to the adoption store and pick up a new baby?
Me: Sweet girl, Mama has 4 kids. If we go right now it’s probably to drop off.
I always carry a condom in my wallet in case a date goes unexpectedly well & I need to impress her with my balloon animals skills.
Prayers for my distraught 5yo whose pet ice cube just melted in his apple juice
If Ross Geller and George Costanza were in the same room with Sheldon Cooper, Michael Scott, and Kimmy Gibbler, they still wouldn’t be as annoying as you.
Him: Hi
Me: I bet you say that to all the girls
I phonebanked for @BernieSanders tonight and my skin is now clear, my gpa is rising, and my crops are flourishing
My husband left me this morning. Again.
he’ll be back after work, but still. I’m getting really sick of these games.
You know you’ve really messed up when your teen stops you mid sentence with “Dude. No” then follows it up with “Duuuuuude. Stop”
BF went to text me “almost there”
It came out “almost dead”
So hungover, I wrote back “thank god”
And now he arrived and things are awkward
Some days driving is like Russian roulette, but with squirrels.
I don’t have Covid, but when my doctor did the test, she asked, “do you want to do this the hard way or the easy way?” Who would choose the hard way?!
Cop: step out of the car please
Me: I picked a good day to wear my tap dancin’ shoes
I’m really bad at measuring the correct amount of pasta, so if you and 79 of your friends want spaghetti tonight, come on over.
*catcher puts 1 finger down*
*pitcher shakes head*
*puts 2 fingers down*
*nods*
(catcher to umpire)
“can we take a break? he has to poop”
AA Counselor: what’s step one?
AA Battery: admitting I’m powerless
I said we supposed to be saving our money.