If Ross Geller and George Costanza were in the same room with Sheldon Cooper, Michael Scott, and Kimmy Gibbler, they still wouldn’t be as annoying as you.
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Some of you never rooted for Godzilla and it shows.
Unpopular opinion but siren songs low key kinda slap
ⓘ 𝗧𝗵𝗶𝘀 𝘂𝘀𝗲𝗿 𝗶𝘀 𝗹𝗼𝘀𝘁 𝗮𝘁 𝘀𝗲𝗮
Fight Club, but instead of blowing up all the financial institutions, they reset all twitter follower counts back to zero.
I’m going for a run. I have some severely unused sexual energy and tension I need to pound out.
I should be back in about eight days.
crochet youtube is brutal
He just always looks at me like I’ve wronged him
If I were Australian I’d tweet “OMG Mayan zombies eating my brain.” Then sit back & cuddle a kangaroo & look super sexy while U.S. freaked.
Just so we’re all clear since there’s a lot of disagreement about birth years:
Boomer = Anyone older than you that you don’t like
Millennial = Anyone younger than you that you don’t like
me: I got fired from the play, they hated my set design
wife: did you make a scene?
me: *crying* several
Passed by a old school Math example today.
Many people make the mistake of assuming @funTweeters is a bot without realizing that there are clearly real human emotions at stake. Follow
Cop: Know why I stopped u?
“Cuz im going too fast?”
Cop: Yes, slow down.
“But it’s been 6 months-”
Cop: U can’t move in with her yet.
Flushing my dead goldfish down the toilet. I am kicking this addiction for good
Has anyone else noticed what beautiful eyelashes giraffes have, or am I just lonely?
We’re out of milk.
Eh, kids can drink water.We’re out of bread.
PB&J on hot dog buns it is!We’re out of coffee.
WHAT. Get my keys.
HIM: What are you doing?
ME: Hiding some more money in the couch. Can’t trust the banks you know.
HIM: How much is in there?
ME: $5.40
Somehow this viral tweet from my old account is even more relevant now than when I posted it nearly 3 years ago
When the company finally leaves and you can let one rip..
that.
suspect: i ain’t talkin
cop: [sharpens knife] we got ways of making people talk [cuts a piece of cake]
suspect: can i have some
cop: cake is for talkers
New trend:
“Haunting”
It’s the opposite of ghosting. You break up, but hang around relentlessly.
What idiot called it “salad” and not “la sad”
Have you ever noticed that Santa brings better gifts to the kids that have rich parents?
People are like, “How cute! Your dog looks just like you!” I’m like, “That’s my son.”
me: hey can I read that recipe
internet: here’s a video of how to make it
me: can I just read it
internet: WATCH THE VIDEO
The History Channel; because where else are you going to learn about how aliens were instrumental in the development of humanity?
“Baby got Baaaa” -Sheep mix a lot
Superman: Kinda sucks you can’t fly.
Batman: It’s okay.
Superman: Why?
Batman: My planet hasn’t exploded, so I can still walk and drive.
Him: why do you keep poking me ?
Her: I’m looking for the mute button
Welcome to middle age. Your bladder makes its own decisions now.