If I were Australian I’d tweet “OMG Mayan zombies eating my brain.” Then sit back & cuddle a kangaroo & look super sexy while U.S. freaked.

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Pretty sure my dog would make a shitty astronaut because space is a vacuum and those tend to scare him


I always feel better when my doctor says something is normal for my age but then think dying will also be normal for my age at some point.


MORPHEUS: choose the red pill or the blue pill

NEO: which one turns into the coolest dinosaur


If I was the editor of Vogue, I’d just put an actual skeleton on the cover with the headline, “Feel bad yet? You should, Fatty.”


i identify as a library so can u be quiet around me pls


Interview Tip: When you get the “where do you see yourself in 5 years” question, don’t say “post-apocalyptic tribal warlord”.


Walked up to 2 guys talking business and told them “get a conference room!”


Me: How was school today?
Kid: …

Me: Do anything fun today?
Kid: …

Me: Goodnight!
Kid: Guess what happened at school?


“Sorry, that was my bad.”
“Your bad what?”
“No. I’m just sayin’: Sorry. My bad.”
“You’re bad at completing an apologetic sentence?”