[First day as a henchman in a video game]
Me: how about we safely store these red flammable barrels somewhere instead of using them for cover?
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superterriblemorningexpialidocious
Protip: When your kid interrupts your next Zoom meeting just say “Oh, thats just the intern”.
some guy in the 7-eleven said “it was only a kiss” into his phone and the other 3 of us in the store all yelled IT WAS ONLY A KISS anyway i think he is gonna be getting divorced soon
According to my wife’s new feng shui consultant, I need to move out.
Hey! This isn’t my car!
I’m not asking for a lot, I just want someone down to earth that’s gonna touch me all over like my shower curtain does
learn from a vacuum cleaner, don’t work beyond the limit of your cord…
“So you think you can dance.” should be the title of a Lifetime movie about strippers.
I was reading a book with my 7yo where a teacher was getting married and INVITED ALL HER STUDENTS and then the students started SECRETLY PLANNING THE WEDDING to help out and I was so stressed out like “wtf, how is this gonna pan out, these kids don’t know how to hire a band”
One minute you’re young and carefree, and the next you’re the person who says, “Did you fall in?” when someone’s in the bathroom too long.
I’ve been Catholic for years and still have no idea which murders I should confess and which I should keep to myself.
Does anyone remember the song by Sade about the guy who operated the smoothie machine?
I want to make medical bracelets that say “In case of emergency, delete browser history”
i love the term “partner”. are we dating? are we detectives on a case together? are we cowboys? are we cowboy detectives in a relationship? there’s no bad answer
[Date arrives wearing a turtleneck]
Him: What should we do?
Me: May as well just go ahead and dump my body in the woods right now.
I heard my cat walking down the hall because his claws are too long. Then I realized I hadn’t taken off his tap shoes since the photo shoot.
Of course I’m gonna miss my husband when he goes away for the weekend in 45 hours 23 minutes and….*checks watch*….27 seconds
My superpower is the ability to take on the shape of whatever food I eat.
For example if I eat potato chips, I take on the shape of a potato.
I’m watching Peppa Pig right now and I’m wondering what Papa Pig’s side hustle is that he can afford to take his whole family the Paris on a cement inspector’s salary.
My 7yo had £3 pocket money and decided that, more than anything in the world, she wanted to buy this secondhand doll. This sick, green doll. This nightmare doll, which is now affectionately named “Baby Ben.” If I am dead by morning, you know why.
“No points, illegal kick to the face.”
“But I’m the hero of this movie.”
“Fair enough, here’s your trophy.”
-The Karate Kid
Harsh but fair
My parents were tough and raised us right. If we needed to pay bribes for me to go to an Ivy League college, they definitely would have made me work, save, and pay the bribes myself.
My parents decided to test their marriage by going to IKEA today
all these boys want a goth girlfriend but don’t study the moves of one gomez addams.
uber drivers love asking where you’re from even though they just picked you up from there
Seriously considering commissioning a family portrait photo and getting the photographer to photoshop all our faces slightly too small. Enough to be disconcerting, but not enough for guests to feel comfortable mentioning it.
I’ve found that Tupperware is a lot cheaper if you buy the ones that come filled with ice cream.
*on walkie-talkies
Them: you don’t have to make that noise with your mouth it happens automatically
Me: Oh. Roger that. Over. kkkssssh.
Mission Control: prepare to enter the vacuum of space
Dog Astronaut: wait the what now