@ObscureGent

[First day as a henchman in a video game]

Me: how about we safely store these red flammable barrels somewhere instead of using them for cover?

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@elizaleela

Kill them with kindness, you say?

*slowly and sadly puts down bazooka*

@XplodingUnicorn

My 3-year-old put a blanket over her head and ran around like it was an invisibility cloak, but not for long.

It made walls invisible, too.

@TheAlexP

[first day of astronomy class]

So, does everyone get to be an astronaut,

or do we draw straws?

@ReelQuinn

NAZI: I’m a Nazi
MEDIA: How controversial
NAZI: I said I was a Nazi
MEDIA: Your clothes are beautifully tailored

@BitterWaterBlue

Out of Office Auto-Reply:
I’m sorry but I’m overwhelmed and I don’t have my shit together right now so it’s going to be a while until I get back to you, and even when I do it may be a series of sighs and grunts in email form.

@ItsAndyRyan

What idiot called it ‘telling the future through tea-leaves’ and not ‘brews foresight’?

@sofarrsogud

[trying to prove that I’m stronger than my 13 year old] best two out of three

@bewgtweets

[at a wake]

Me: *closes coffin to set my drink down* so, what are you doing after this

Widow: wow