Kill them with kindness, you say?
*slowly and sadly puts down bazooka*
[First day as a henchman in a video game]
Me: how about we safely store these red flammable barrels somewhere instead of using them for cover?
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I want a 21 cinnamon bun salute at my funeral.
My 3-year-old put a blanket over her head and ran around like it was an invisibility cloak, but not for long.
It made walls invisible, too.
[first day of astronomy class]
So, does everyone get to be an astronaut,
or do we draw straws?
NAZI: I’m a Nazi
MEDIA: How controversial
NAZI: I said I was a Nazi
MEDIA: Your clothes are beautifully tailored
Out of Office Auto-Reply:
I’m sorry but I’m overwhelmed and I don’t have my shit together right now so it’s going to be a while until I get back to you, and even when I do it may be a series of sighs and grunts in email form.
What idiot called it ‘telling the future through tea-leaves’ and not ‘brews foresight’?
Sorry I fell in love when you did your flailing arms dance
[trying to prove that I’m stronger than my 13 year old] best two out of three
[at a wake]
Me: *closes coffin to set my drink down* so, what are you doing after this