I was reading a book with my 7yo where a teacher was getting married and INVITED ALL HER STUDENTS and then the students started SECRETLY PLANNING THE WEDDING to help out and I was so stressed out like “wtf, how is this gonna pan out, these kids don’t know how to hire a band”
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4-year-old: *sees a kid in the store* She goes to my daycare! She’s my best friend in the world!
Me: What’s her name?
4: I don’t remember.
I just accidentally dropped a bit of sausage on the floor and the dog immediately swooped in and hoovered it up, which amazed me because I had no idea she knew how to operate it.
” I need you ”
– Me in the toilet roll aisle
take me down to the paranoid city where the grass is hidden cameras and the girls are all talking about me.
Talking about your ex makes it sound like you’re not over them. Hide their body and move on like a normal person.
please stop saying things like “ur so hot” and “your jokes have both emotional depth and the refreshing originality of a self aware intellectual” and start saying things like “here is ten thousand dollars”
The only way to make a cat like you is to cancel plans with them and ignore their text messages.
not sure how I feel about the depiction of albert einstein in oppenheimer. he’s not even sticking out his tongue
When someone says they were shook, I presume they meant as a baby.
Roasted beef is like regular beef except the cows family tells embarrassing stories about it, which are tough and tasteless.
Mom, remember we used to eat donuts?
-my 3 yo, 1 hour after eating a donut
I’m 20, my face is 18, my voice is 16, my back is 60 🥲.
It’s no coincidence that those really terrifying scenes in horror movies often use children’s voices
I’m with you, Hungry Hungry Hippos. I don’t find small plastic balls very filling, either. I can’t believe this what you guys eat in Africa!
People who think it’s okay to drop by,
It’s not okay. If you aren’t carrying an Amazon box for me, do not even consider ringing my doorbell for I will hide from you even after we make eye contact through the window on your walk up the sidewalk I DGAF.
My new pajamas have no pockets. I don’t want to hear your problems.
Seize the day. Repossess the evening. Impound last week. Forcibly confiscate the entire month of September.
If ostriches had arms they would be so good at hugging.
To think, just 30 years ago, I would have to yank the phone off the wall, and bring it to the bathroom to drop it in the toilet.
Googling symptoms only tells you which diseases have the best SEO
[job interview]
Interviewer: Mind if I call one of your references right now?
Me: Sure, go ahead
Interviewer: [dials number]
Me: [answering the phone ringing in my pocket while putting on a cowboy hat] HOWDY PARTNER
Saw Interstellar over the weekend & was totally glued to my seat. The movie was OK but the getting-glued-to-my-seat thing ruined it for me.
I’m going to complain about the cold until a Canadian gets mad enough to say something rude, like ‘I’m sorry but it’s colder in Canada.”
I found a Squirtle in my pants & I’m not even playing Pokémon Go!
I wish I had remembered this was a rectal thermometer before I’d put it in my mouth for 3 minutes.
ME: Can I taste your pancakes?
HUSBAND: Okay, but just one bite.
ME:
*my tweet gets 1,000 likes* My wit is classic, timeless, adored by all
*my tweet gets 4 likes* My wit is clever, genius, understood by few
just discovered the true meaning of family and it turns out to be noun, a group of people related to each other by blood or marriage 😭😭
GIRL: Dad, I want you to meet my boyfriend
DAD: Your bf is a bald eagle?
BALD EAGLE: *adjusting toupee* I’m just a regular eagle actually
When you haven’t shaved in a while and your leg hairs sway better in the breeze than your neighbour’s stupid windchime