just discovered the true meaning of family and it turns out to be noun, a group of people related to each other by blood or marriage 😭😭
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Cop: Know why I stopped you?
Me: Because of my expired tags? No, I bet it was because I was speeding. Wait, I want to change my answer. It was because I ran that red light, wasn’t it?
Cop: I need another ticket book.
Me: {sobbing my heart out, eyes swollen, nose red) “I can’t see you anymore. I am NOT going to let you hurt me like that again!”
Trainer: “It was a sit-up. You did one sit-up.”
Dog: I don’t get it
Me: What don’t you get?
Dog: Just go over it again
Me: This is MY food and that is YOUR food
Dog: *tilts head* What?
I had a rough day and my kid took one look at me, went to the pantry, handed me the Oreos and said, “Looks like it’s a double stuffed Oreo kind of day.”
So anyway, he’s my new therapist.
I identified a body yesterday.
“That’s a body!” I said.
I changed my mind..🐕🐾🍪😅
I think one of the toughest parts about growing up is realizing that you don’t sweat blue if you drink blue Gatorade.
“This is The Grey Wall of China”
I think it’s ‘great’
“We all do, pal”
It’s been 536 days, 5hrs 16min since I’ve spoken to my ex, so clearly I’ve moved on.
My friend said she loves to be scared so I dropped her expensive makeup compact onto the floor
My 5 year old said he’s not going to say a word until the bread pops up from the toaster so I unplugged it.
You telling me these scissors are for rock paper?
I shaved my legs today and it was the fastest 3lbs I’ve ever lost in my life
Breaking news:
“midlife crisis” buddy i’m having a whole life crisis
THE AUDACITY. 😤
selfie game
Him: Why are you watching WWE all of a sudden?
Me: I’m trying to learn new holds for when I have to floss the kids’ teeth
Me: when is your birthday
Her: March 1st
Me: *walking around the room* when is your birthday?
“Oh, we’re going for a 2 minute car ride? Let me just gather all of my worldly possessions and get a little naked first. Oh, & hide your keys.”
-3 year olds.
I like my women how I like my government: open and unprotected.
GENIE: you have three wishes
ME: wow ok gimme a second
GENIE: done
ME: wait
GENIE: sure if that’s your wish
ME: be quiet
GENIE:
ME: damn
Your Scooby Doo Villain Name is “old” plus your gender plus your last name.
The most valuable thing I have taught my kid is to answer the door for me and immediately tell the person that mommy is busy while I’m hiding around the corner.
Our 8-yr-old son announced that he is moving in with the family down the street because they have a PlayStation.
My wife: “What about us? We’re your family, and we love you.”
Son, enthusiastically: “We can be neighbors.”
ME: mom we’re out of eggs again!
MOM: it’s ok, there’s cereal
[later]
ME: *throwing cheerios at the mean neighbor’s house* this sucks
You can see some absolutely disgusting and terrifying things in the subway. I once saw a guy order marinara sauce on his 6” tuna sub.
DR DOG: *applying a cast to a broken bone* Are you sure you don’t just want me to cut it off?
#SometimesForFun I update signs at work
[Fancy restaurant]
DATE: *seductively* I like a man who knows what he wants
ME: *way too loudly* THERE’S NOT ENOUGH KETCHUP ON MY TATER TOTS