@Brianhopecomedy

My 5 year old said he’s not going to say a word until the bread pops up from the toaster so I unplugged it.

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@JermHimselfish

I just tripped and stumbled into a group of asian kids on the street and accidentally won a breakdancing competition.

@TheAlexNevil

Lead me not into temptation. I already know the quickest routes.

@papasuncle

My wife just opened a bottle of wine so my chances of getting laid just went from 0 to 750ml.

@dubiousrhetoric

if u hurt ur leg u can use the frozen veggies at whole foods as ice packs 4 free. hold on im getting an update from the manager. no u cannot

@TheWeirdWorld

Teachers: You can’t write an essay in a night. Exam: Write an essay in two hours.

@mrtruthandsoul

I can tell the way my kids inherited my sarcasm by the way I want to punch them in the face every time they use it.

@HomeProbably

Her: “Is that you in your avi?”

Me: “No, it’s a picture of me.”