My 5 year old said he’s not going to say a word until the bread pops up from the toaster so I unplugged it.
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Sometimes my laptop just stops responding and shuts down so at least we have that in common.
Saving Private Ryan but it’s just me retrieving my daughters favourite toy that she’s dropped down the toilet
BREAKING: Pluto is once again a regular planet.
“It was always huge & full sized!” said one dwarf planet scientist with a fake mustache.
“Paypal me your lunch money!” -Cyber Bullies
Just walked into my local court house, they were all sitting around in a circle with black candles and robes trying to summon a jury #funny
13: mum, I fell in P.E and hurt my leg… and Chloe saw me face plant.
Me: aw, baby, don’t be embarrassed… it happens.
13: I know, mum… I got up, looked her dead in the eye, and said “look at that, Chloe, I scraped my knee falling for you!”
Do I fail parenting now?
after a certain point in life the “walk of shame” is about a plunger
[Arrested for prank calling police]
Cop: You get one phone call
Me: ok
*cop’s phone rings*
Me: is your refrigerator running
[crane rental company]
Customer: *holding 25-pound bird* what the hell is this
Without freedom of speech we wouldn’t know who the idiots are!
THEM: What’s it called when you think about them all the time?
ME: Love.
T: What if it’s about murdering them all the time?
M: Also love.
I’m really good at compromising as long as I get my way.
they should invent a type of situation that improves.
girl [smiling]: hey, how are you!?
me [visibly nervous]: not much!
if your religion infringes on people’s rights; sorry, you’ve had hundreds of years to change everyone’s mind- obviously that hasn’t happened
me: I’m going to the store to get bread
wife: if they have eggs, buy a dozen
[later]
wife: did they have eggs?
me: *carrying 12 loaves of bread* yes
I’m not the prettiest girl, or the smartest, I don’t have a perfect body, and this started out as a tweet but is now my suicide note.
my (35m) 10,000 rats (1m, 3f, 1m, 3m, 2m, 5f, 5f, 2m, 1m, 3f, 1m, 3m, 2m, 5f, 5f, 2m, 1m, 3f, 1m, 3m, 2m, 5f, 5f, 2m, 2m, 4m, 5f, 5f, 2m, 1m, 3f, 1m, 3m, 2m, 5f, 5f, 2m, 1m, 3f, 1m, 3m, 2m, 5f, 5f, 2m, 2m, 4m, 5f, 5f, 2m, 1m, 3f, 1m, 3m, 2m, 5f, 5f, 2m, 1m, 3f, 1m, 3m, 2m, 5f..
Im going to change my name on Facebook to “Benefits”, so that when you add me it will say, “You are now friends with benefits”
Dam, girl. What did you think I was building?
– Beaver
It’s fun finding love notes my wife hides around the house, it would be even better if they were for me
*makes snow angel motions in bed every morning tryna find phone*
Sorry I said “What is it?” when you showed me your baby.
I won’t believe in God until “Thou shalt puffeth, puffeth once more and passeth to your neighbor” becomes a Commandment.
Maybe the raccoons threw away something very important. Did you ever think about that you big jerk.
[Job Interview]
Boss: What is your best trait?
Me: Procrastination.
B: How is that a positive?
M: I’ll give you my reasons. Later.
Me: that was easy, what was my time? 3 minutes?
Escape room employee: ma’am we’re gonna need you to replace this door
Billion dollar technology idea:
A printer that works
i ain’t victim blaming, but why tf would you tell a wolf where your grandmother lives