@ChicksRule So, can we agree on 4 or
@Brianhopecomedy My 5 year old said he’s not going to say a word until the bread pops up from the toaster so I unplugged it.
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@ChicksRule 
@SwirlySkittles The rain is pounding so hard I’m kind of jealous.
@JermHimselfish I just tripped and stumbled into a group of asian kids on the street and accidentally won a breakdancing competition.
@TheAlexNevil Lead me not into temptation. I already know the quickest routes.
@Fred_Delicious uh-oh. Bad news for Trump
@papasuncle My wife just opened a bottle of wine so my chances of getting laid just went from 0 to 750ml.
@dubiousrhetoric if u hurt ur leg u can use the frozen veggies at whole foods as ice packs 4 free. hold on im getting an update from the manager. no u cannot
@TheWeirdWorld Teachers: You can’t write an essay in a night. Exam: Write an essay in two hours.
@mrtruthandsoul I can tell the way my kids inherited my sarcasm by the way I want to punch them in the face every time they use it.
@HomeProbably Her: “Is that you in your avi?”
Me: “No, it’s a picture of me.”