As confused as an atheist who’s stuck behind a car that isn’t moving at a green light & has a bumper sticker that says ‘Honk if you love God
You Might Also Like
I know it’s impossible to keep kids from screaming when they play outside but I wish there was some way to teach them the difference between “WE ARE HAVING A FUN GAME!” Screaming and “WE ARE BEING BRUTALLY MURDERED!” Screaming
I opened Match and Tinder on my Kindle Fire and it burst into old flames.
*2 dogs watching a person walk into the house. one of them whispers to the other*
now, try not to go berserk but that’s the guy who knows where all the treats are
The dinosaurs’ extinction is even sadder if you picture a t-rex desperately trying to wave to warn everybody but nobody can see it.
[the inventor of corn chips]
What if knives were delicious?
I understand why there were reindeer named Dasher, Dancer and Prancer, but how did Vixen earn her name. What is Santa hiding
Boss: this project is moving along at a snail’s pace!!
*silence*
Todd the snail: This is bullshit
*spends 3hrs storming out of meeting*
Lost my job at Tree Humpers anonymous for asking if everyone was ‘logged in’
My wife said she enjoys my singing voice so I always sing “We Are The Champions” whenever I win at sex.
Guy who likes music
I am such a dungeons & dragons guy in theory. but i just don’t have the attention span to make it work. i will show up super excited, name my elf some shit like Hyundai Elantra, and then you’ll never hear from me ever again
Life coach: don’t sweat the small stuff
Me: you mean like microscopic germs
Life coach: no you should probably worry about those
Me: choking hazards
Life coach: that’s not-
Me: killer bees
Life coach: *drinks from hip flask*
I visited my mother today. She thumped her dog on the nose for growling. My childhood makes a lot more sense now.
One day a guy named Matt banged a waitress and nine months later a mattress was born haha just messin around on this website.
ME: I found a genie today
WIFE: that’s wonderful, I have some great ideas for wishes
ME: *looking at brand new unopened copies of Shrek 1, Shrek 2, and Shrek 3* I can’t wait to hear them
“Uhm, EXCUSE me, my eyes are out HERE.” — Hammerhead sharks
Protip: Never end a work email with “Let me know if you want to discuss” without immediately leaving the building.
“You knew what you were getting into when you had children”
Did I? Did I know that I’d be arguing with a 4yo that we don’t lick peoples feet? DID I KNOW THAT?
No, I didn’t get the flu shot. I just make sure to avoid people from October into April.
me: omg I love these *leans in* Alexa, hello. hello Alexa. can you hear me?
son: Dad, that’s grandma’s urn
me: I can’t tell you how long I’ve been waiting
clock repairman: I’m doing my best
Imagine if food was sports
No time to talk I have bacon tryouts today.
Women call me ugly until they find out how much money I make.
Then they call me ugly and poor.
Telling everyone I’m premed…
(short for premeditating their murder)
I like how automatic doors just get out of my way. I wish more inanimate objects seemed scared of me.
WIFE: Oh darn I have a loose thread on my sweater.
ME: (waiting for the right time to tell her I bought a sword) Allow me m’ lady.
The number of people I have accidentally assaulted while talking with my hands is less than fifty, probably.
Definitely less than a hundred.
the man next to me at this airport bar just sent at least 30 cry laugh emojis to a person in a text while he sat stoically drinking a heineken
Friend: Did you already eat or do you want to get some food?
Me: Correct.
Interviewer: What’s your biggest weakness?
Me: Answering stupid questions.