Guy who likes music
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Scientists have recently discovered that Rhino horns are radioactive “I wouldn’t touch ’em if I was a poacher” said 1 massive grey scientist
“Boo!” — cow with a cold
Wouldn’t that be a cool twist if World War 3 turned out to be a U.S.-Russia thing after all? “So retro!”, you’d think as you were vaporized.
Sorry I missed your call
I was in the 17th minute of watching my daughter help her sloth toy crawl across the room to hug me
10:20
10:25
10:21
10:23
10:22– Parallel parking my time machine
Me: [at the gym] arm or leg day?
Octopus: [crying] I’m not sure
If your kid eats the chocolate bunny’s feet first, “so it can’t get away,” that’s your future serial killer right there.
[Boiling in a pot]
Boy lobster: AAAAGGGGHHH!!
Girl lobster: I’m cold
After my ex and I broke up, I was in a really bad place (Florida)
For Mother’s Day I want the same thing I ask for every year: to have my kids, who I love more than anything in the world, be someone else’s problem for a few hours.
As I sit here watching my 9y/o throw a tantrum because his homework is too hard I wonder where YouTube went wrong in raising my children.
[Speed dating]
HER: I’m really into astronomy
ME: the moon follows me when I drive
if ariel is the little mermaid then how big is a regular mermaid. are they like 40ft long
Him: I think we should see other people
Me: *eating a cheese ball like an apple* why
You’re not a mistake.
Mistakes can be fixed.You’re hopeless.
[spelling bee]
JUDGE: your word is “bananas”
GWEN STEFANI: oh hell yes
Must be a very worrying time for anyone who has dumped a body in a reservoir.
I’m gonna start selling supplements that make you less healthy. Call them Smiteamins.
Just so we’re all clear: NASA is getting a direct feed from a robot on Mars, but I still can’t make a cell phone call from my basement.
That time Alicia messaged me
Is it wrong, to put people on your bucket list?
My gal pal: “Are you on a diet? You look so nice & thin… What’s you’re secret?!”
Me: “Poverty.”
me: [struggling to take off a sports bra]
other lady in the locker room: I CAN DO IT MYSELF
Does anyone want to get married to me? Asking for a friend.
why do birds
sudenly appear
every time
you are near
and how do u
always manage
to fit that many
birds in ur mouth
to begin with
It’s embarrassing when you lose your kid in the grocery store, especially when they have the list and cart and the security guard finds you staring at beer.
this was the best i’ve ever seen
Me: It’s time to lose my quarantine 15.
Girl Scouts: Hold my cookies.
Sorry I disappeared for 3 years. I was putting my jeans on.
[puts cone of shame on dog]
ME: (to dog) sory buddy
DOG: (to all other dogs in neighborhod) BOW DOWN TO LORD FLOFFYTON HEARER OF ALL BARKS