Me: It’s time to lose my quarantine 15.
Girl Scouts: Hold my cookies.
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Her: Oh, you brought me flowers!
Me: Yes, one of the many benefits of living next door to a graveyard…
I hate people who take drugs.
Especially Border Patrol
I bet all the cool math nerds call each other algebros.
Kissed a receipt to lighten my lipstick but I need it to return something & now some cashier is gonna think I’m flirting.
Tom drives smooth: Tom Cruise
Tom hasn’t left yet: Tom Waits
Tom taking low road: Tom Petty
“Remember Robert from work?”
Yeah..he was a douche.
“He died.”
WHAT?!? OMG..He was such a nice guy!
If you would have told me when I started this account that my dumb parenting jokes would eventually lead to a dream job writing for a Netflix series, I would’ve said that was crazy. Fast forward to today, and I can confirm that it’s crazy. Nothing remotely like that has happened.
I am “cool” and “chill” and “stuck inside the walk in freezer.”
no one still wants to fight me after I gently remove my earrings and swallow them
“Dad, these glasses make everything look much bigger!”
*Snatches glass and hands to my wife
What does $50 get you at the Chanel store?
13 seconds of eye contact.
I just saw someone refer to sexual tension an bangxiety. I’m dead.☠️
[last day as the circus’s human cannonball] you can’t fire me I quit
Groundhog is like regular hog except it’s easier to make burgers out of it.
Well, that didn’t work.
I had a shirt with a tag that said “tumble dry only.” I did like twenty cartwheels and it was still wet.
It’s actually pretty rude of you to assume that I know what I’m doing
“When are you due?”
Insulted, she flashes me a glare and relocates to another seat.
My eyes stay fixed on the library book she left behind.
If I was a girl named Isis, I’d be pissed that half the people decided to change my name to Isil.
[invention of spaghetti]
Inventor: i made them very long
Wife: they still fit in a pot though right?
Inventor: lol no why
My favorite machine at the gym is the water fountain.
My kids are having fun in that “Someone’s going to the ER” kind of way.
Me: how was your date?
Friend: I ruined her panties.
M: Wow that’s hot man.
F: No she got food poisoning from my cooking, bro.
When I was younger, I thought a taxidermist was a dermatologist that arrived in taxis.
[High School Reunion]
Me: Those were the days, right?
Mrs. Miller: You left out Thursday that time.
No Grandma, a friend with benefits is not someone who lends you a cup of sugar.
time traveler: i love your volcano
pompeiian: our what?
time traveler: your mountain, your normal mountain
i have one speed and it’s mosey
The best thing about a morning walk at go-to-school hour is I get to crash-tackle all the eight year olds.
Bathrooms have Changed from being a Singing Studio, to a Photo Studio.