i have one speed and it’s mosey
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*me, struggling to please the members of our tea club*
“Please, everyone! Why can’t we all just get oolong?!
A group of us were talking about running a 5k; some are planning to power walk it, a few are going to jog at a slow pace and I thought I’m going to just skip the whole thing.
I am an ordinary woman with a simple dream: Replace all public water fountains with cascading fountains of melted Brie, Cheddar, maybe Gouda.
Oh, you lost your phone and it’s on silent? That’s too bad. If you liked it then you should’ve put a ring on it.
Posting this on behalf of a friend
“Subpar accommodations. One star.” – Oldest known TripAdvisor rating for Bethlehem.
“Why would you want to live in the Matrix instead the richness of reality, doesn’t make any sense,” I mutter as I reach for my phone immediately after waking up.
I’m out here scooping up street salt and repurposing it to margaritas as God intended.
I locked myself out of my office twice already today. I guess Mercury definitely in rubbermaid.
I feel so bad every time I startle an introvert. Please come back
I’m at that age where all my friends have husbands and babies and all I’ve got is time and money.
Make sure to wash your hands before AND after you eat the rich
[8am, phone rings]
Hotel Desk: Ma’am we’re going to be turning off the water for about 2 hours this morning.
Me: No worries, I have vodka.
I set my GPS voice to Mom, and now when I miss a turn, it says “Your sister wouldn’t have missed that.”
Is my kitchen floor clean enough to eat off? No. Does that prevent me from eating off it? Also no.
It doesn’t matter how windy it is or how fast you run, dogs make terrible kites
I can remember a time when we didn’t allow crazy people to be in charge of running things.
We weren’t traipsing, Mom. We are rapscallions. We galavant.
The only difference between an outpatient mental health facility and a bar is the lighting.
me: who’s a good boy?!?! you are!! the best boy!! such a good boy!!
My boyfriend handing me my takeout: can you stop doing this
My sneeze is the reason people in the middle ages believed sneezing was caused by demon possession
I alway get the same thing every year for Christmas. Fat
[Afterlife]
“I died in WW2 fighting nazis”
“I died in Syria fighting terrorists”
Me: (confidently) you guys heard of the tide pod challenge?
every time i drink milk i remember my roommate who used to put powdered milk in his milk so he could drink “more milk per milk”
If your Tesla catches fire and locks you inside it’s not a problem, you just have to look up a ten minute YouTube video to figure out how to escape
My phone should just know if the passcode is entered incorrectly the first 3 times then it’s definitely me.
I wish I were an octopus so that the answer to all of my problems would be, ‘change color and escape in a cloud of ink’
Him: Do you know what you are doing?
Her: Do I look like I know what I’m doing?
Him: No.
Her: Okay then, quit asking stupid questions.
Went Trick-or-Treating last night and all I got was yelled at.
Made the decision that I’m done having kids. Yet every morning I wake up and there they are asking me for breakfast.